Yosemite Trip - Mini vacation

Mini vacations always make me want to take longer vacations.  I come back from a few days away longing for even more time away.  I wonder if that is a symptom of my wanderlust or of my dislike for my daily life, of my "real world."  There are parts of my daily life that I love very much, spending time with The Boyfriend, playing with Bailey, the feeling you get right when you give yourself over to sleep, laughing.  Yet I find myself frequently wanting to get away from the every day and I feel it most strongly when I come back to it after being away briefly.

Last weekend The Boyfriend and I took a mini trip to Yosemite National Park.  This trip was his Valentines Day gift to me and it was really fantastic.  We left the Bay Area really early in the morning and drove 3.5 hours to Yosemite.  Stopped at the upscale lodge for a nice breakfast before heading out to our first hike.  It was a delightful 7ish mile loop up a waterfall and back around.  At the valley floor it was a cloud covered, cool morning and as we climbed it started to rain and at the top it was snowing!  While a lot of people probably lamented the weather wanting the picturesque views and blue skies, The Boyfriend, however, really loves the water and rain and snow.  His smiles during all weather were the best.  The scenery was as stunning as the reviews say, the expanse of natural beauty is truly breathtaking.

We stayed in a very cute little town about an hour outside the park.  We had a nice dinner and an early bedtime the first night to prepare for the second day hike.  We started a little later in the day and were greeted by several switchbacks of stairs and fantastic views of Yosemite falls.  We turned around when I realized that I was holding us back a bit and moving slower than we needed to be moving to make it to the top before the weather hit.  It was a really sad feeling to know that I was the reason we weren't going to finish the climb.  The Boyfriend showed such concern as I started to really slow down.  When we stopped on a dry log for lunch I had mini "come to Jesus" talk with myself about needing to turn around.  I'm sad we had to do it, but I knew it was the right thing for my joints.

So we turned around and enjoyed an earlier end to our day by having a nice cup of hot chocolate in the sitting room of the lodge we had breakfast at the day before.  We spent a few hours relaxing and talking and enjoying being in the park, drove around some to get some pictures and headed out for dinner.

Last weekend was Mother's Day so The Boyfriend and I continued our driving south a bit to see his parents and have a nice meal with his mom.  They are wonderful people and I really enjoy being around them as they are very inclusive and kind.

While it was only 4 days away, we packed in a lot of activities and a lot of scenery seeing and family time too.  As I climbed into bed on Sunday, it was that strange feeling of elation having had such a great time away and melancholy that I had to wake up to another Monday in my "real world."

Something has to give here.... and soon.... gosh I hope it is soon.

Moments of Doubt

Do you ever have moments of doubt about your life?  Maybe big things, maybe small things, maybe hypothetical things, things from the past, or things from the fantasy life you're still trying to create.  Do you ever doubt what's going on or where you are or why you're there?  I go through cycles with doubt and I imagine that is pretty normal.  Big life decisions and anxious times will bring about doubt and the onslaught of the "what if..." questions.

I'm usually pretty good about massive life changes once I've made a decision.  I'll oscillate and I'll speculate and I'll churn over the options again and again but once the decision is made, I'm pretty good at executing against the decision.  Despite that, I do have my moments of doubt if I made the right decision.  As all proverbial forked roads, I'll wonder if the other path would have been better.

Lately I've been doubting myself more than normal and it's starting to worry me.  Not doubt myself in the since of my abilities to be a highly functioning adult.  I would confidently say I am a highly functioning adult and take that for whatever it may be worth.  What I've started to doubt lately is my own ability to be happy with me.  I wrote a post a few weeks ago about being boring.  I'm disappointed to say that I still feel boring.  Mostly because my professional life is painfully dull so for about 8 hours of my day, I actually am bored if not personally boring.  The other non-sleeping hours of my life I've come to the painful acceptance point of also being boring.

Ok ok - I've not accepted this, which is why I'm writing about it now.  I hate that I feel this way.  Someone asks me what keeps me busy outside of work (one of my favorite small talk questions) and I honestly am embarrassed with the lack of information I have to share about myself.  Ummm yeah, I read, I ride my bike, I think about traveling, I work out sometimes, I cook, I poke around the internet, you know stuff every millennial does really.  Just stuff.

Ugh - so the doubt, the doubt here is about my ability to not be boring.  I expressed this feeling to a friend the other day and his response was something to the effect of "whelp, that's life isn't it?" As if it was okay to be bored and discontented with life.  And maybe it is.  Maybe what I want is something unattainable, or is that simply my doubt speaking up again about my inability to attain something better?  Do I even know what better is?  I don't think I do.

I have hours a day to pursue something better, to work on being better, to simply do better.  I rarely execute against it because I don't know how to do/be/pursue something better.  I don't know how.  That scares me.  What does one do in this type of situation?  Go back to school?  Feverishly learn a new hobby?  Attempt to make friends?  Start a business?  Learn a language?  Plan an adventure?  All of those things sound great on paper, so why the heck can I not execute against them.  I'm good at execution.  I'm usually good at this - so why the doubt?

Any thoughts?

The Luxury of Wanting Work-Life Balance

April Update - so a lot has changed in the last few weeks.  Less in a physical, tangible way but more in my perspective and life planning.  In a post a few months back I mention a life plan and how I don't really have one outside of the fairy tale.  I think in writing that post and the reflections I've been doing about my life I made a quiet self commitment to put my personal life first.  I talked a lot about this not only in this blog but with conversations with my friends, colleagues and mentors. 

Honestly, I thought work-life balance was something that middle age men regretted not having.  It was something that new mothers lamented not having because they were being forced to choose between their career and their families.  Work-Life balance was not something a young, single female really had the luxury to worry about.  I pick that word luxury specifically, because I've always thought it was a luxury.  This elusive thing that everyone strove for but never achieved.  To covet it was normal, but also earned.  Earned through years of being overworked and making personal sacrifice to grow a career.  Earned through neglecting family events such as kid sporting events or talent shows to attend work functions and make presentations.  Work-life balance wasn't something I had thought I had earned the right to want.

It was a weird moment when I realized this about my perspective on personal and professional life balance.  When I stopped and thought, huh, I do want this and I can have it and it's okay that I don't meet any of the indicators my biased view of people who want it but don't have it possess.  Much like it's okay to have the personal side of life to be whatever it is that I choose it to be.  

It seems as though the only widely accepted reason to not be working is to be rearing children.  No one really can question your motivation for leaving work when you are going to pick up your kid from school or go to a dance recital or something.  There has been enough public shaming of dad's missing out on kids' lives that rearing children is rightfully becoming something that people approve of using our personal time doing.  Well, for those of us who don't have kids, we don't have the luxury of a socially approved out of work activity that we may want to balance. 

Where I've netted out on all this is that time away from work is time away from work.  I don't need to justify it nor do I need to approve it.  If I'm making a decision to leave work, that means I've decided that whatever it is I'm off to do is more important to me at that moment than work.  It might be going to my kid's soccer game or it might be going to get frozen yogurt with a friend or it might be to binge watch Netflix.  It doesn't matter and I don't have to justify it.  In this spirit, I never ask my team why they are leaving work.  They come in to tell me they are leaving early or ask if they can adjust their hours and then promptly start telling me why.  Sometimes in what appears like a justification for something that is more important than work, and other times in the spirit of sharing some of their lives.  They are two very different things.  One is seeking approval, the other is trying to build a relationship.  I do everything I can to be sure they understand I'm only interested in the latter.  If they want to leave early to play pinball at an old school arcade, that's awesome I don't need to approve that.  Time away is time away.  My time is as valuable as your time, regardless of what I or you choose to do with it.

So I do have the luxury of wanting work life balance.  Because I'm not going to feel guilty for taking my time back.   I think, that decision and mind shift in being okay with wanting to have my personal life be more important than my professional one has finally started to take shape.

I'm starting a new career with a new company - details to come.  But I'm starting to put Allison the Person in front of Allison the Employee and it feels awesome. 

Melancholic Success

Have you ever felt bad because something good happened to you?  I'm sure that sounds a bit backwards, but it happens to me from time to time.  When good things (usually really big good things) happen to me, instead of feeling excited and happy, I feel melancholy and almost shamed.  Maybe not shamed, that isn't the right word, but I don't feel excited or happy.  The initial wave of thrills and enthusiasm pass very quickly and in their wake I'm left with melancholy and malaise.

As with the troubled times in my life, I tend to bottle this all up.  I don't share the good news, albeit I share it much, much more than I do the struggles, but I keep it close to me.  I inform others as if it isn't a big deal or just another piece of daily news like "hey, avocados are on sale this week, I got a job offer from an amazing company, and did you hear that some celebrity is in rehab?"  I toss in a powerful nugget of excitement into a salad of otherwise boring news in hopes that it skirts by almost unnoticed and then I don't have to talk about it.

The really twisted part about all of that is what I know I'm really wanting to happen.  I'm really wanting someone to say "I love avocados - nothing better than some great guac... wait, WHAT?! You got a JOB OFFER?!  Congratulations!  When are we celebrating?  What are the details?!  This is OUTSTANDING!"  I'm wanting someone to gently give me permission to be able to celebrate my own good news.  I want someone else to remember my birthday and I want someone else to celebrate my wins with me.  I want to share.

My most recent success was not met with any type of exuberance from anyone.  It was acknowledged as good news and then shuffled in among the rest of the daily informational download.  Something to be slowly tossed into the recycle bin and not really mentioned again.  It hurt.  It hurts.  To have something you want to be proud of and to celebrate with someone be casually commented on and casually tossed to the side.  It hurts.

The other side to this melancholy feeling is knowing what my good news means to other people.  I don't like talking about doing well because I know there are people in my life who are not where they want to be.  They would never, ever wish me anything but continued success but I know they compare and I know it hurts.  So I don't share because there is no comparison.  The good news washes by totally unnoticed as another part of the background in life.  Then I get sad.  Sad because I really wanted to celebrate and feel good about the news.  Sad because I know the other person isn't where they want to be and they are fighting their own battles.  Sad because in the world there is far too much good that goes unnoticed and I sit here letting another, very personal bit, drift by like anything.

Here's to my success.  Here's to my melancholy.  Here's to everyone else's private wins as well.

Cheers.

Personal Style - Stitch Fix

I'm not at all a fashionable person.  Not even a bit.  I try from time to time to put together an outfit and put a bit of energy into how I look, but really, I'm terrible.  I wear jeans to work everyday (manufacturing life...) and a nice(ish) top that promptly gets covered with a lab coat, put on safety shoes, and a hair net.  There I stand as a worker bee in a production facility.  No need for fancy anything.  So weekends and evenings are really the only time I ever feel the need to do myself up.  Most weeknights, I'm heading out to see The Boyfriend and if we are staying in I wear comfy lounge around the house clothes.  If we are meeting up with friends for dinner, I wear skinny jeans and a flowy top and maybe a cardigan.  I make an outfit that is fine, cute maybe, but nothing special.  Weekends it's the same thing.

Anyway - I'm really trying to put together a personal style that isn't just "Manufactured Leftovers." which is what I sort of feel like.  I'd love to feel like I know what I'm doing when I get dressed in the morning and that my closet has clothes in it that will enable me to feel confident and presentable to take on the day.  I also want it to look effortless and have the clothes actually fit me.

I'm an odd size.  I'm tall, and proportioned as such.  My arms are long, my torso is long, my legs are long and shoulders are broad.  Putting me in a standard cut shirt is fine.  It covers the parts that it needs to.  However, it probably doesn't come down along my torso as it should.  The shoulders probably pinch a bit.  If it is long sleeve, it will probably look like 3/4 sleeve - or just awkward.  If you put pants on me, they will probably be flood pants.  If you get "cropped" style, they will probably cut off circulation to my calves because without fail they end at the widest part of my calf.  If you put a summer dress on me, it probably will look like a mini dress that is not age appropriate.  If you put a maxi dress on me, I will probably pull it off flawlessly and enviously but who wants to wear a maxi dress???

I'm also a big lady.  No no no , I'm not criticizing my size or thinking anything bad as a result.  But I'm not a willowy 6ft model of a women.  I'm a very healthy size 8.  Which is to say, not the skinny size 2 of most models,  It also means I have some curves, some places of opportunity and some things that don't always look nice if wrapped in snug clothing.

So... I've never liked fashion or shopping for clothes because I always feel like I look foolish in everything.  I have a few things that look nice, a few outfits that I get complimented on, but in general.  I think I look silly and as if the clothes don't fit, because they don't.

So I'm trying Stitch Fix as a way to force some different style into my life that I might not normally try from the rack.  I'm on my 4-5 month now, and it's really been hit or miss.  A few items I really have liked, most of them though I have not.  I might love how it fits, but not for the price, or color, or material.  Or I love all those other things, but cannot button the pants to save my life.  I'll stick with Stitch Fix for a bit longer as I'm getting very firm with my requests and feedback.  Perhaps they will remember that I'm tall and not send me items like were clearly not designed for a person of any stature...

Any tips from anyone on how else to go about this adventure are much appreciated.

March Recipe - Baked Honey Garlic Chicken

So the one resolution I'm actually keeping up with is trying a new recipe a month.  I'm a big chicken, fish, and veggie eater.  Every meal I cook is some combination of those items.  When The Boyfriend is over, I add in starch because he likes rice and has the unfair metabolism of a hummingbird making the calories necessary.  I'm working on getting him off of white rice and into quinoa, brown rices, whole grains, etc.  It's a slow process and one I only win when I do the cooking.  He doesn't complain, but he still buys white rice which is pretty indicative of either a strong preference or blind habit.

This month I was searching on Pinterest for something new and something that wouldn't result in a Pinterest fail.  I came across this great recipe for Baked Honey Garlic Chicken.  Best part was aside from the Panko breading and Sriracha sauce I had everything I needed already (I opted out of the parsley.)  The Boyfriend came over and I started cubing up chicken breasts, egg washing, and breading them.  I realized very quickly that I did not have an efficient way for breading and this whole process took me FAR too long to accomplish.

I also didn't get quite the "crunch" factor I was hoping for from the breading but I think I could accomplish that by raising the heat in the oven for the last maybe 3-5 minutes and browning the edges of the breading without drying the chicken.

The chicken did cook really nicely though, I used three good sized chicken breasts here and we had enough for dinner for two plus lunch for two.  Although the sauce portion was not enough for all that, I'd recommend making this with two chicken breasts or doubling the sauce.

Oh the sauce - so easy and so very yummy.  There is something great about sweet, salty, spicy, Asian flavor combinations.  I really do love this sauce.  It reminds me of sweet and spicy fried chicken you can get at every take out Chinese restaurant, but better because it's fresh and only 4 ingredients.  I substituted garlic powder for the cloves, and would probably go with cloves next time but I was so done with cooking by this point that I cut a corner and regretted it.

I paired the chicken with steamed broccoli and some really dark rice that I picked up on a whim on sale.  It was really starchy, almost sticky and neutral in flavor.  A little salt and some fresh ground pepper perked it right up though!  I drizzled the chicken with the sweet/spicy sauce and forgot the sesame seeds but it still looked and tasted great.  The Boyfriend said it was good too, and even took home a lunch box of leftovers (great indicator of if he actually liked it or was eating it to be polite.)

I think this is a keeper of a recipe!

Notes:  Egg wash all the cubes together, this is much faster!  Then toss with bread crumbs vs trying to individually wash and roll each piece - nightmare!  Use fresh garlic in the sauce, and don't forget the sesame seeds :)

Enjoy!!

Am I Boring?

This is a real question.  Am I boring?  I fear that the answer is yes.  I am boring.  I think I actually bore myself sometimes.

I was asked what I like to do the other day.  My standard answer to that is "I'm an avid cyclist, I work a lot, and I read, spend time with friends, and plan adventures."  The truth is the last two activities are lies now.  I don't spend time with friends because I don't really have many to speak of.  I've not planned an adventure in a long time.  I'm coming up on my birthday and I will for the first time in many years fall behind in my life goal of keeping the numbers of countries I've visited greater than my age.  I feel boring.

So how does one become interesting?  How does someone start doing something that is exciting and engaging and anything that is an antonym to boring?  I thought maybe I should take a class of sorts.  Cooking, drawing, painting, dancing, guitar, archery... I don't know.  But is that really the solution?  I suppose I could find a new hobby by taking a course in something like that which would be nice but I don't think it solves the real problem.

I could study for the GRE and start thinking about grad school and applying for an MBA.  I've always like school and I think I would like having a graduate degree.  Being in Silicon Valley it's a mix of highly inspiring and very humbling.  Seems like everyone around here is the best of the best at what they do, and they are doing very exciting things that they are passionate about.  I miss being passionate about what I do.  Everyone is so innovative and excited about trying to take the world by storm with their ideas.  As I said, it's super inspiring.  It also is a strong juxtaposition to how I feel about my dull life right now.

Highly innovative, fast paced, exciting, and risky vs. whatever the heck it is that I do everyday.

*sigh*

What do I do?

Little Life Improvements

• New under eye concealer - because I was tired of looking tired and I like looking in the mirror and thinking "you look good!" instead of "geeze!"  It's shocking how much more confidence I have when I see that I look decent instead of close to death
• Rearranged the furniture in my office - now I have a fresh view on the day (literally) and a lot more privacy which I didn't know how much I was going to value 
• Climbs on my rides - ok... I hate climbing but I'm slowly getting better at doing it and I like the way my lungs feel when I'm using them.  The rolling hills here in CA are a nice addition to my former flat land rides
• Interviewing - not so much because I want to leave but because it's nice to know I have options
• Baking with moderation - I'm on a hunt for the perfect snickerdoodle cookie and I've learned I like having a few baked goods in the house for a treat.  I indulge more than I used to but those little moments are small things I'm really enjoying.

Just a few of the little things in life that are better than before.

March update

So I'm trying to do better about keeping up my New Year's Resolutions for a full year.  I had 3 key targets this year and I'm already behind (sigh.)

1. Try a new recipe a month - check
2. Read one book a month - behind (sad face)
3. Move more - half check?

The recipe a month target has proven simple enough to keep up with as I'm doing a lot more cooking now than in the past.  My boyfriend is a particular eater so his nuances are inspiring me to try other things and also to perfect some of the recipes I know he will eat and enjoy.  My most recent attempt at perfection is snicker doodle cookies.  Not sure what I'm going to try this month, probably something with udon noodles as I've gotten on a Thai/Asian kick lately.

The book a month goal is what has proven to get be behind.  I enjoy reading for the most part.  It's not a chore or something that I don't like to do.  I am not the fastest reader and I typically would rather spend time with other people or surf the net than sit down to read.  They are not good excuses for why I'm behind, but I'm going to do my best to catch up this month and hopefully be back on schedule by April.... maybe.

The moving more piece is half checked.  I'm doing much better about getting on my bike and putting the miles on in preparation for my metric century in April.  However, I'm not as consistent as I need to be during the week.  I can blame everything from a busy work schedule to early sunsets to lack of motivation and they would all simply be excuses.  I can make time for the things I find important.  Truth is, I like to ride my bike but not as much as I like to make dinner, snuggle with my boyfriend, or even just surf the net and chill out.  It's not a good excuse as there are more than enough great reasons to exercise, but getting myself to commit and go out and move isn't always easy.

On the diet portion of the healthier life, I've slipped a bit.  I've let myself have some Easter candy and cookies (Snicker doodle anyone?) and in general I've let myself have more "cheat days" than I should. But in general I think I'm still more or less on track.  I'll do great for 4 days and then have a day or two of slip, then back to it.  I'm working on drinking more water.  I do that with caffeine free teas and just plan water.  I really like this Good Earth brand tea that makes a super strong, spicy, sweet tea without sugar.  I could drink a few cups a day of that stuff I think.  So working on the 64 oz a day target is the mini goal for this week in regards to the diet.  

How's everyone else progressing on their resolutions?  How can I help?  Did you make any?  You can make March Resolutions instead!

Oh yea - Pi Day is coming up everyone!  Be sure you celebrate your favorite irrational number, unless your's is "e," in which case... you missed it back in February if you're into that type of thing. 

Chaffing... Moving more has it's downsides - TMI?

This might be classified as TMI (too much information) for some people, but I'm going to share anyway.  I currently have a chaffing problem and it hurts.  I rode 32 miles today on a pretty challenging course (one long, never ending climb...) and noticed some saddle irritation around mile 25ish.  There is a lot going on down there when you are on a bike fore that long.  There is the motion of your legs spinning, the pressure of yourself in the saddle, the rocking motion that comes with going up and down hill, the side to side as you try to adjust for a more comfortable or less compressing position, etc.  Your bike shorts are super important in helping to minimize any discomfort or heaven forbid, injury.  I have been wearing these particular shorts for the better part of two years (although only 1 of which I was doing any real riding) and never had this issue.  I also had the foresight to use a little bag balm in my saddle region prior to going out today also!

Yet I sit here now, with a chaffing problem.  Walking now sorta hurts.  The thought of getting on a bike again - pretty repulsive.  I feel like I should go buy some diaper rash cream - that's good for chaffing right?

In regards to my "move more" resolution, I'm doing pretty good.  So good that I have a rash from it, haha.

February is half over?!

I know, I know, February is the shortest month, so it goes by quick.  But what happened to February??  I mean really now?!  Quick update on resolutions and life:

• I'm reading the Mistborn series which came recommended by the boyfriend.  I'm not halfway through as I should be to keep up with my "book a month" goal, but I'm sure I'll catch up!
• I've missed the last 2 weeks of training rides for my metric century - one due to weather and cancellation of the ride, and this weekend as I had my mom visiting and didn't want to miss time with her while I drove an hour to the site to ride for 3 hours to drive an hour back.  I have started spinning again in an attempt to put some "miles on my tires."
• I've also not been cooking as much recently.  Mostly due to visitors, Bailey's surgery, and overall lack of interest/desire to make something.

Outside of the resolution update, life is pretty good.  Work is just okay which is starting to get old.  I'm hoping that I can get a fifth wind of "caring" and really get back to liking what I do.  I'm feeling pressured to make life decisions sooner than I want to make them which is adding to the stress of the situation.  

I've been feeling a bit "dull" recently.  Sort of bored with myself.  I'm not sure what that means, but it's like if I were to meet myself at a party/event, I wouldn't want to hang out with me because I'm boring.  Not a good feeling.  Not sure how to undo that or fix it or what, but I'm getting a lot of negative energy coming from my own thoughts in the last few months and I really don't like it.  Hard to be happy when you don't like who you're with all the time.  So goes the struggle.

Beyond that - it's each day as it comes and a making the best of the place I am with the people I have.  The place is awesome and the people are outstanding - the rest is just my attitude which, coincidentally, is 100% in my control. 

Somethings I Need to Work On

Has anyone noticed how when you get into a new relationship there quickly become dozens of small things that all of a sudden are really big things?  Small things being, how you like to load the dishwasher, or eat certain foods, or coordinate your day, or any other seemingly insignificant item.  Then when you pair it with a new person who does things just slightly differently, you realize just how much you liked things the way you liked them? You also start to notice things about yourself that you didn't realize were a part of who you are almost like you are learning yourself as you are learning someone else.

I have a new man friend.  I really like this gentleman.  He's funny, smart, very giving, and genuine in ways I didn't know that I wasn't.  He is a bit more type A than I am about the way he has his life set up.  He tries, oh gosh does he try, to let me feel perfectly included in his life.  He's a wonderful communicator.  He's open with me, direct without being cutting, and as I said - genuine.  We've had very few moments of tension between us which is really nice.  In the short time we've been dating, I have learned a few things about myself.  Some he's unknowingly brought to my attention, others he does with a bit more conscience effort.

Somethings I Need to Work On:

• Accepting feedback about trivial things, because they are after all, trivial.
• Accepting apologies from someone who gives them genuinely.  I get weird and clam up and quiet when he apologizes to me.  It's almost like I've never really had someone apologize and mean it before.  This feels different.  I'm not good at this.
• Being open with him about what I'm thinking and feeling.  I tend to gloss over.  I tend to bottle up and think nothing is a big deal until is a big deal.  I internalize.  
• Asking for help.  I hate asking for help.  My life. My burdens. My problem.  Mine.  I'll help you with whatever you need, but you'll never help me because you won't know I need it until I'm crying on the bathroom floor (Brazil flashback... ouch)
• Sharing my life - I feel boring with him.  Boring because it's always us doing his things, sharing his world, living his life.  I feel like I've become a willing accessory in his life because of the SOLE fact that I've not tried to include him in my life more. (Queue diatribe about my life transitions and having no roots and thus no history to share, no favorite place, no favorite activity, just a stream of endless change which is dull)
• Thinking I'm worthy.  I'm not great at this.  I should be better, I need to be better.

Any tips are much appreciated on how to accomplish any of the above.  I need to do better.

February Resolution Update

February is turning out to be a busy month!  My special man friend and I have a lot going on it seems.  My mom is coming to visit! My Bailey girl had surgery and started her 12 week long recovery process - she hates being crated...  Despite all the craziness, I'm trying to stay committed to my resolutions:  One new recipe a month, one book a month, eat clean/move more/crunch often.

Today I'll update you on February's new recipe!  I tried a citrus and chili salmon dish that came out pretty decent. My boyfriend (gulp - we call each other boyfriend/girlfriend now...) brought over a nice salmon fillet and a large lemon from his lemon tree to help me try my hand on this dish.   I'd never used fennel before and actually had to watch a YouTube video on how to cut fennel.  It was pretty simple turns out :)

Looking pretty on a dish of lemons and blood oranges!

The recipe calls for 3/4 cup of olive oil which seemed like way to much.  As I poured it over the top of the fish and lemon/orange slices, it felt like it was about 200x more oil than was really necessary.  So, if I can recommend anything to anyone who may try this - use less oil! Also, the recipe calls for a specific type of chili or substitute jalapeno.  I used jalapeno as that was easily found at the grocery store, but I was very underwhelmed by the flavor it added.  I think the heavy layer of oil that was covering the fruit and chili really just muted everything.  It was... very light in both citrus and chili flavor. 

Paired with some pan roasted veggies for a colorful meal!

I had a craving for some really crunchy veggies while I was at work and knew I had to stop by the grocery to pick up fresh dill and blood oranges anyway, so I added some broccoli and Brussels sprouts to my basket as well.  I coated a skillet with some olive oil, added a chopped clove of garlic and sauteed the garlic until brown.  I cut the broccoli into large pieces and the Brussels sprouts cut in half.  I sprayed them all with olive oil also, to be sure they were evenly covered and tossed them into the skillet.  I let them sit until they started to brown, then tossed every so often until the broccoli was showing signs of browning on the majority of the stalks - I love a crunch cooked veggie!  A few moments before the veggies were done, I took about a forth cup of water and tossed it into the pan also.  This immediately steamed which I think makes the veggies just a touch softer on the inside.  Nothing worse than an under cooked inside of a Brussels sprout.  Toss some sea salt in as well and then enjoy!

So the veggies were awesome if I do say so myself.  The fish was really nicely cooked but not super flavorful.  The citrus and chili came off dull and flat vs sharp and spicy.  So - probably not worth repeating, but happy I gave this a try!

More on the other resolutions later this month (when there is more to report!)

Do I Have Enough Thread?

When is time enough?

I've heard it said that age does not equal wisdom, rather experience equals wisdom. This is why in some regards a younger person maybe more wise than an elder if the elder has done little living or the youth has done exceptional amounts with his/her years.   There is if course an element of time here.  Time must pass for experiences to be had and lessons to be learned and consequences to be felt. Which is why age correlates to wisdom. But it isn't really wisdom I want to talk about.

I'm not sure the word. The question I want to answer is when has enough time passed that a person can make a decision based on experience?  When has a person spent enough time in a given set of circumstances that they can then make use of that experience to make decisions about the future? How much time is required for that experience to be credible and used as a valid data point?

How many years of experience is needed as an apprentice before becoming a journeyman or craftsman? How much time is required as an hourly employee before they can consider themselves ready for management? When does someone gain the title of "expert" based on experience? How long must two people spend together before they can plan to be something more?

How much time must pass for someone else to be considered in the decision making process?  When does it become acceptable (whatever that means) for a person to plan for a future when the past is short?  How can one plan to weave a life with someone else when the past is barely enough thread to tie a knot, never mind something strong enough to anchor a ship.

Is it really all about time?  To continue the tread and tapestry analogy, is the thread only as long as the time spent together? Is it perhaps much longer, as long as the two parties have life and share that life the threads twist and braid and knot together forming something stronger, something new.  So the older the people, the longer the initial thread and thus the sooner it can begun to weave into something more.

Maybe thread is a bad analogy.

Maybe it is all about risk. I'm never one to shy away from risk. I've always said yes to every adventure put forward to me. I've experienced a lot of life in my years.  Now I seem to be sitting at the crux of another decision. The proverbial two paths in the woods. I'm balancing so finely along the edge of a knife's blade that is quickly coming to an end. I need to decide which side I want to slip down. Which side of the wave? Ride the surf into shore or slip down the back and out to open sea?  Which adventure do I want to try?

Have I spent the time to know the answer? To weigh the options? To feel confident in being risky? To feel comforted in being safe?

Whenever I ask others for their perspective it always seems to come back to time. "How long have you been with him?" I don't know what number makes the decision different but everyone seems to have an opinion and everyone seems to think there hasn't been enough thread spun to anchor a ship.

I'm not sure who's the anchor and who's the ship. I'm not much for open seas.  But I'm even less for safe harbors.

January Book Review: The Glassblower - Petra Durst-Benning

On a business trip today I powered through the rest of The Glassblower by Petra Durst-Benning.  This is book one of a trilogy, however, book two and subsequently three are not out yet.  Overall I give the book about a 7/10 maybe 8/10.  It took me a while to warm up to the characters and not feel like it was overly surface glazing when it came to character development and plot.

The main story line is three sisters lose their father and are forced to fend for themselves in a male dominated small town.  The local trade is glassblowing which is considered men's work.  The women painted, packaged, and silvered the glass but did not blow it.  With the death of their father, the women find work as hired hands in a local shop doing painting and packing and get paid peanuts for their efforts.

Each sister has a unique strength of character and at different points in the story those strengths are either the saving grace of the family or the downfall of the sister.  As I said, it took me about 50% of the book to really get engaged with each character beyond a surface level interest.  Once I got past that, the plot sped up and the last 40% or so of the book was a nice, well written entertainment piece.

A few sub-characters I lost track of and didn't understand why they had such a strong part in the first half to be cast away in the second half with very little explanation.  My only guess is that a lot of those questions will be answered in the other two books.  The wholesaler that one sister works for, for example, alludes to all sorts of characters and foreign investments but nothing ever becomes of it.  For something that is mentioned 3, 4, 5+ times in the book to not develop seemed unnecessary.  Again, one can only assume Petra is laying the ground for something in the future.

I would give the plot a bit more unpredictability than what this book did.  It was not unexpected the way the multiple love interests played out, if anything the slight twists to a straight forward tale were distracting rather than plot thickening.

While the above may sound overly critical, it was a pleasant read.  I loved the strong women characters and the way they took on their world in a time when women did not do such things.  I'm a fan of anything pro-woman and this book is on many fronts.  I'm eager to read the next two installments when they are made available.  I'm curious to know what happens to Ms. Ruth, Johanna, and Marie.  I have my guesses, but I'll wait to see how Petra unfolds the tale.

Suggestions for February's book?  I'm open to pretty much any genre other than romance and horror.  I read for intellectual pleasure, not to be scared or aroused.  I have real life news for the former and real life physical interaction for the latter *wink*

Keep reading all!

Why I Love Cycling

I started cycling in 2008 back when I had a crush on a boy who cycled.  He would talk for hours about riding and his bike and his training and everything in between.  He loaned me a bike for a while in an attempt to get me riding.  In 2008, he helped me buy my first "real" bike.  The kind that cost more than you think they should and look pretty nice and weigh close to nothing.  It was big purchase and I was glad to have someone guide me through that process.  I'll leave out the details, but the boy left and the bike stayed.  I got the better end of that deal, although I do miss his expertise from time to time.

I started cycling for that boy, but it also inspired me to move more.  I was living in Chicago at the time and Chicago is a pretty bike friendly place.  I would take my bike down along the lake shore and ride for miles on this great uninterrupted path (minus the nasty part by Navy Pier).  I would do this as a form of exercise every few weeks or so.  Never more than maybe 20 miles, but I loved the view, I loved the way my lungs felt when they were working, I loved the feeling of moving as fast and as easily as I was moving.

Honestly, I think it's the way my lungs feel when I ride that I love the most.  It's the first time in all my athletic experience that I feel my lungs working and it's not with fatigue and a sense of "oh god I'm going to pass out."  Well, I felt that way when I was rowing too - gosh I miss rowing.  But there is a peacefulness, almost zen like state that happens when you get your cadence just right and the road is just perfect, and your lungs and your body and your mind are all in sync.  That moment is unbeatable.  People refer to a runner's high, I guess this is my version of a cycling high.  It doesn't last long, usually because the terrain changes or something forces my cadence to alter.  But for a few minutes, sometimes quite a few, everything just feels easy.  My body is happy, my mind is happy, my lungs and heart are happy.  It's a great feeling.

That is why I love riding.  Beyond that, it's the people I get to ride with.  The cycling community in every place I've lived is great.  There is always a club or a group getting rides together.  Learning an area on a bike is one of the best ways to get to know a location.

So I love to ride for the way I feel when I do, and I keep riding for the people that I ride with.  This one particular man that I keep referencing - guess what.... he rides too. This is one happy lady!

Just finished a quick 15 mile ride in training for my metric century! 

New Years Resolution Update: Moving more

This year's resolution has 3 basic parts which you can reference here.  Today I'm going to update you on my progress relating to Moving More.  As with every other year that I've put together resolutions I think it is important to do something about overall health and well being.  I'm not above using the typical "lose weight" goal.  In fact I've used it myself, and in all honesty the "move more, eat clean, crunch often" portion of this year's resolution is pretty much the same thing.   It's not so much about actually loosing mass (you know, making the numbers on the scale go down) as much as it is about becoming more confident in who I am both inside and out.  Eating clean and moving more is about learning what my body can do when it is fed right and fueled well and asked to do things that it is designed to do.  The "crunch often" is sort of a fun tongue and cheek reference to the unending search for the perfect abs.

So - what's the update?  Well... I signed up for a metric century ride!  In April there is a great women's only ride that is pretty close that will be 65 miles long.  While no stranger to longer rides, this one is the first since my hip put me off the bike for about 18 months.  I'm not happy about those 18 months and honestly I'm embarrassed about the lack of miles I've put on my bike.  So, what better way to get the mileage back up than to get it in gear and train for a ride?!  I cannot think of one.  So today was a riding clinic for the ladies that will riding from the Bay Area (and who actually knew about the clinic.)  I only had one spill, which was mostly my fault and a bit of the clip-in pedals' fault.  But it's not about blame, it' about getting better and mastering the very important art of emergency stopping.  I'm really excited about getting back on the bike - like really excited about it.  Aside from the clinic, there is a women's cycling club that is doing weekly training rides in preparation for the ride.  So not only did I get a nice clinic to start out the training, but every week there are other women who will be riding gently increasing distances toward the 65 miles in preparation for the ride.  Can we say potential friends?!  Goodness I hope so!!

I also signed onto "HabitForge" which is going to help me keep to my goal of steadily increasing steps each day.  I've set a goal of 10,000 steps gently increasing by 500 every 2 weeks.  Since we are now past Jan 15th, I'm at 10,500 step goal, on Feb 1 it will be 11,000.  At some point it will have to stop because it will not be feasible, but I figure when I tie in the cycling I'll be doing and the steady increase in steps I'll be able to confidently say that I achieved my goal of Moving More in 2015.

Wish me luck!!!

My love for NPR and Rediscovering Podcasts.

Thank you NPR for being my main new source for the last roughly 6-7 years of my life.  I've found your journalism to be fair, varied, well researched, and at times controversial which I personally enjoy.  Many a conservative will claim the coverage on NPR is liberal leaning and that might be true, I've not given the subject much thought to be honest.  What I can say is that listening to the news from NPR (Morning Edition, All Things Considered, RadioLab, etc) is not nearly as emotionally draining for me than watching even 10 minutes of Fox news.  So, if that is indicative of liberal leaning news coverage, then color me biased because at least I can digest the media and feel semi-informed when NPR is involved.

I realized how much I enjoyed NPR when I was commuting from Chicago to the plant I worked at in Northwestern Indiana.  The commute was about 20-30 minutes in the morning and about 45 on the ride home.  The morning I dedicated to Steve Inskeep and David Green and Rene Montaigne and in general the Morning Edition Crew.  I gave them my first 30 minutes, and they gave me an update on the world's affairs, some interesting, some dry, some sad, and some delightful.   The ride home was usually dedicated to America's Top 40 as I switched over to the local music radio station.

I moved to NYC and lost the commute.  Rather I still had the commute but instead of driving myself the 30 minutes to work I was taking a shuttle bus.  Thus I had given up the rights to the radio to the shuttle driver and the respect of the fellow passengers on the 7AM shuttle, the morning ride passed in silence.  I started reading on those rides, for reasons I'll never understand I cannot read in a car but I can read in buses.  Anyway... I missed my NPR but was happy with my books.

Then I moved to Brazil.  I had an hour commute (also done by bus) that I now did which provided significant time for self entertainment.  Podcasts and my Kindle to the rescue!  I was attempting to learn Portuguese during my stay in Brazil, so I downloaded some Portuguese podcasts to my Ipod along with a few daily news shows (BBC in an attempt to be high brow...) and Wait Wait Don't Tell Me from NPR.  WWDTM quickly became my favorite and I hated that it only had a new episode every week as I would devour those 30 minutes in the first 30 minutes of my weekly commute.  I'd then listen to whatever Portuguese lesson was downloaded and then the BBC.  The afternoons I would read.  I tried to get into Portuguese books but I didn't give it an honest enough try and decided that reading in any language was still good for me.  I found the English section in the bookstore and scoffed at the really high prices that Brazil was selling books for!  However, I was desperate and desperate times call for expensive solutions and I bought about 10 different English books during my first few months there.  I quickly decided that I needed a Kindle for ease and cost savings.  It was a great decision.  So podcasts in the morning and Kindle at night- pretty good for two hours spent on a bus.

I returned to the US and moved to small town USA where I had, once again, a 30 minute commute by myself.  Hello Morning Edition!  It's like you never left, we never stopped being friends, and you simply stayed exactly how you were and it was delightful.  First 30 minutes of my day once again belonged to NPR.  The return ride home belonged to the various XM channels I had on my presets.  I felt informed, I felt up to speed on worldly events.  It's amazing how just 30 minutes of paying attention to what's going on around you can really add up to a pretty good foundation for being conversationally fluent on a variety of topics.  I've heard it said that if you read the front page of the Wall Street Journal you'd be more informed than most financial advisors.  Well, if that adage is true, then I'd have to say listening to 30 minutes of NPR (or your favorite news outlet) will make you more informed than... more than... certainty more than those who don't spend that time, and I'd image that percentage is pretty high - around 40% at least, maybe more.  I don't know.  Point is, if you pay attention it's shocking what you learn.

I'll skip over FL - it passed much like NYC with almost no commute time and I lost touch with the world a bit, this blog, some great friends, etc.

Now I'm in California.  My commute is beyond short (15 minutes!!) and I'm feeling disconnected again.  I don't like it.  What do I hear about as I'm pondering life?  Podcasts!  Of course my favorite news outlets have podcasts!  Didn't I hear something about Serial being the greatest thing to hit the radio waves since music?  (I've not listened to Serial, but anything that is getting 20 somethings to tune into a public radio show must be doing something right.)  Reignited was my enjoyment for podcasts!  I grabbed my Iphone and quickly subscribed to the following:

• BBC World Service - Global News
• This American Life
• Star Talk (Neil deGrasse Tyson - need I say more?)
• Radio Lab
• Planet Money
• Invisibilia

Now - Morning Edition needs to get their stuff together and get a podcast up ASAP.  There is no reason why I cannot download it the minute they go off the air (is there?)  If anyone knows how to get it, I'm unhappily ignorant and would like to be enlightened.

I also have about a 20-30 minute drive to visit this gentleman that I've been seeing and as such, I've had a great excuse to put on my podcasts and reconnect with the world.   For those who are unfamiliar with those above, may I recommend Invisibilia for really interesting topic journalism, the BBC of course for current affairs, and This American Life for short, true stories about life in America (or not in America as the case was this last week - but still delightful.)

As with any good NPR call out - don't forget to contribute, public radio is nothing without the support of it's listeners.

Happy listening - Happy being informed - Happy Discovering New Things

Job Dissatisfaction

When is enough enough? I've struggled with my job for the better part of 2 years. I have days that I enjoy what I'm doing, what I've chosen to get up and spend 8-10 hours of my time working on is pleasant. There are good people, there are good challenges, there are laughs to be had and progress is made. I have had far more days that are quite the opposite. Days that I actually catch myself thinking - I hate my job. Days were I am in meetings and I think "can you please stop talking? Can you please just shut up and solve your own problems?" I cannot even count how many times in a day I catch myself thinking "I don't care." It's a very depressing and draining thing to realize that you're not living the passionate life you've imagined.


I'll be the first to admit - put my hand up and say - I am LUCKY! I have a job. A lot of people don't. I have a job that pays me well. A lot of people don't. I work for a company that provides good benefits and retirement options. A lot of people don't. I'm not saying it's all bad, my company is great. I'm proud, most of the time, to say that I work for them. However, I still find myself thinking about how much I hate my job. The little things, the petty things, the downright frustrating, makes-no-sense, nonsense that ends up eating a lot of time and more importantly personal energy.


When I'm in the middle of an angry frustrated fit of work, I'd gladly give up a couple grand in compensation to enjoy my days. I'd voluntarily give up some matching dollars in the 401K. Because when I'm in the middle of these bad days, there is not amount of compensation that makes it worth it. I say to myself, what if they doubled your salary? Would you tolerate it then? You bet I would! For about a week. Then, I know I'd quietly go back to hating it all. The glitter of the bigger paycheck would fade. The bank account growing at a steadier, steeper rate would not be as thrilling. I'd still be sitting in meetings thinking "I don't care."


Let me paint you a picture of what it is about my job that I find infuriating and down right trite. Waste management. No seriously, waste management. Like where do you put each piece of your trash. This is a big deal in manufacturing. HUGE in fact. From a production perspective we go through boxes and boxes of materials and pounds of plastic bags and bottles of ingredients and tubs of flavor. All those materials can be recycled. That is huge dollars for the company and even more important for the environment. I'm ALL about keeping the corrugate and the plastic bags separate and going to the recycling plant - ALL ABOUT IT. But when I'm told that I need to monitor where break room waste and bathroom waste is being discarded, I about loose my mind. I spent HOURS of my time, personal energy, and brain power dealing with grown men and women discussing where we put orange peels, and paper plates, and used feminine hygiene products. For weeks, I worked with my environmental supervisor to get signs and bins and trainings together so people knew how to handle their waste properly. Those are hours of my life that I'll never see again. That I was instructed by a corporate agenda to spend towards insuring that the plastic lids only go to recycle and the used tea bags with staples still go to the trash compactor. I about lost my mind when I found out we needed to add a special container for compost. *sigh*


One of my employees got hurt on the job last week too. So now I can kiss a lot of my time goodbye trying to recreate what happened, explain how I somehow failed as a manager to allow such conditions and behaviors to exist in my plant. We'll draft up some learnings and some corrective actions and we'll have a dozen conversations about how everything is preventable. And I'll bang my head against the wall for all the good these things will do. I'd really like if I could spend time worrying about something other than if someone is going to get hurt! Or someone is going to put their trash in the wrong container. Or if someone is going to be suspended for attendance because they've not turned in their paperwork for Family Medical Leave for over 3 months.


I think enough is enough. I really, really do.

January Resolution Update

In my last post I mentioned a few new year's resolutions, specifically reading a book a month and trying a new recipe a month.  I'm in the middle of reading The Glassblower (book one of the trilogy) now, which I'll review when I'm done.  By review I mean provide my uneducated opinion about the story, comment on my entertainment level, and if I thought it was well written.  I must emphasize the point about being an uneducated opinion, but mine none the less.

In regards to the new recipe resolution, I tried my hand at goat cheese stuffed pomegranate chicken tonight.  It turned out rather well, if you like goat cheese and pomegranate.  The balsamic reduction was a bit too sweet in my opinion, so I would probably omit the brown sugar or half it at the most.  But if you don't like balsamic then you may like the added sweetness to help cut the acid of the vinegar.  I served it with a salad and some simple quinoa.  In general I really enjoyed it.  My dinner guest was very polite about it and simply said "I'm not a big fan of goat cheese."  I laughed, who doesn't like goat cheese?!?  I'd make it again but not for this same individual who so kindly was willing to be a guinea pig, and I'd cut the sugar.

Some other learnings: timing of meals is important.  Despite my best effort, the quinoa was done about 20 minutes before the chicken.  Mainly because the chicken took about 15 minutes longer than I planned.  Also, when adding salt to quinoa it's always best to give the dish a minute to let the salt really settle.  I slightly over salted and there is no undoing that mistake.

Update on the eating clean, moving more goal is pending.  So far I'm keeping up with my step target but some days have been really close.  Poor Bailey has had to go for many a walk to help me with this one, but I don't think she minds too much.

Life Plan vs Career Plan - Resolving in 2015

So it's the start of a new year.  A lot of times I set some resolutions about being healthier, learning something new, experiencing something different.  This year I've mulled over a few ideas on what I can improve upon or "resolve" for 2015.  But really... I want to spend this year working on setting some life directions and getting a "life plan" together.  Ever since my mentor made a comment about my career plan and my life plan needing to compliment each other versus one (aka career plan) dominating the other I've been thinking about how to make that happen.

I like California, a lot.  I like the quality of life here.  I like the people (one gentleman in particular...) and the overall pace of the place.  I like how international it is and the diversity is great.  I enjoy the activities and events that are nearby.  I really like the outdoors here also.  Hiking and biking, and coasts and mountains, and beautiful scenery and wildlife.  It's pretty great here.  I like it.  I am maybe thinking about staying... but we know what that means.

A few goals for this year:

• Read a book a month - this is a repeat from previous years that I failed miserably so I'll try again
• Try a new recipe a month - I'm doing a lot more cooking and this seems like a doable challenge, who knows maybe I'll fall in love with cucumbers or learn to make a great reduction or something.
• Eat cleaner, move more, crunch often:  Every year I say I'll do something about my health/weight.  This year I'm setting simpler goals like this one.

So... a life plan.... what the hell is that?  In a previous post I mentioned that I still have a fairy tale view of what I want my life to be like.  I don't think that view is wrong, it's fanciful but still delightful.  I feel like maybe what I want is a sense of purpose and direction.  I'm going to need to mull this over more... not sure what a life plan means but I like the sound of having one.  Like I'm maybe making a map for my life, laying out some milestones and highlighting some scenic points to pause and take in the view.  I need to think more about this....