Perspective, clarity, explanation... *sigh*

Do you ever just wonder how you got to where you are in life?  How many really active decisions do you remember making in your life?  How many times did you actively try to alter your course versus simply take an opportunity that was opened to you?  Can you think of an example of when you really put honest effort into making something happen for yourself?  When was the last time you pursued what you wanted in life, and when was the last time you gave up?  Was giving up the right thing to do?

I think about these things from time to time as I constantly marvel at where I am (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and where I look to be going.  Where do I want to go?  What do I want to do?  Who do I want to be?  I cannot answer these questions despite how long I ponder them.  Who do I want to share my life with?  I also am no where near close to answering that question.

Sometimes I wonder if my continual uprooting is hurting me more than helping.  I wonder if the repeated 3-4 months of feeling out of place, lonely, confused, and overwhelmed are helping me to learn something about life or if I am repeatedly putting myself through pain unnecessarily?  What would have happened if I chose to stay in Chicago vs move to NYC?  What would have happened if I chose to stay in NYC vs move to Brazil?  What would have happened if I just paid the $1700 plane ticket to Bombay for Christmas in 2007?  What would have happened if someone just told me that is was okay?

I guess these questions are all stemming from some feeling of discomfort.  I am happy here in Brazil.  It took me the better part of 3 months to be able to say that and mean even half of it.  Yet something still doesn't fit. There is something that is uncomfortable.  Something that reminds me a bit of what you feel like right before you cry, that tense moment where you become acutely aware of how much liquid is stored behind your eyeballs because you are very conscience of it sloshing around just waiting to spill forward.  It's a different feeling somehow.  I'm not going to cry (at least I don't think so).  But something.... something.... just isn't fitting.  How do I go about learning what it is that isn't fitting?  How do I then go about fixing it?  

Aside from the obvious downfalls of feeling this way (social anxiety, mild depression, inconsistent sleep etc.)  There is also this unreasonable habit of consistently getting your hopes up thinking that this time you have it figured out.  This activity, this person, this outing, this time... will fix it.  Inevitably this does not happen and I am left feeling uncomfortable and disappointed.

Still believe me when I say I am happy?  I hope so.  It is true.