Wanting to Remaining Authentic

I believe a large part of keeping a blog authentic is when you share the less-than-perfect parts of life. It would be easy to only post the shiny, happy moments with friends and humor. However, that wouldn't be all true - and it wouldn't be real.

When I moved to India in college, I broke down and cried on my first night there. I had been traveling for over 27 hours at that point. I was tired, I was hot, I was scared. I cried and questioned what I was doing there and why I ever left home. I got through that and had one of the most incredible experiences of my life.

It took me two weeks - 14 days to the day to cry here in Brazil. I knew it would happen at some point and part of me expected it to happen sooner. I wrote this to Ben in an email which I think really sums up the way that transitions like this feels:

I knew it would be hard, but knowing that doesn't make it less hard nor does it mean that I'm not allowed to feel overwhelmed, scared, lonely etc. There aren't tools for this - I learned that in India. There is only time.

You can equip yourself with as much information and knowledge as possible to help you ease into a new place and new stage in life. But no matter what you know, the feelings that you have when you go through it are something you cannot prepare for because you don't know what you will feel. You don't know when you'll feel them or where you'll be or what will trigger the waves of anxiety.

I was sitting on the bus on the way home from work and for no real reason I was fighting back tears. It's really sudden, but the feeling usually subsides just as quickly. It's challenging to be sitting with a group of people in a bus or car and all of a sudden you are choked up because something reminded you that you don't quite fit here just yet. I think that might be a large part of the challenge is simply not fitting and not knowing how to make yourself fit.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my friends that feel like family. I miss the familiar things. I miss understanding conversations.

However, because all thoughts should end happy - I'm loving my new friends here. I'm loving my new family of friends. I'm learning how to make things familiar. And in time... I might be able to have a conversation of my own. It can only get better from the tears.