Moments of Doubt

Do you ever have moments of doubt about your life?  Maybe big things, maybe small things, maybe hypothetical things, things from the past, or things from the fantasy life you're still trying to create.  Do you ever doubt what's going on or where you are or why you're there?  I go through cycles with doubt and I imagine that is pretty normal.  Big life decisions and anxious times will bring about doubt and the onslaught of the "what if..." questions.

I'm usually pretty good about massive life changes once I've made a decision.  I'll oscillate and I'll speculate and I'll churn over the options again and again but once the decision is made, I'm pretty good at executing against the decision.  Despite that, I do have my moments of doubt if I made the right decision.  As all proverbial forked roads, I'll wonder if the other path would have been better.

Lately I've been doubting myself more than normal and it's starting to worry me.  Not doubt myself in the since of my abilities to be a highly functioning adult.  I would confidently say I am a highly functioning adult and take that for whatever it may be worth.  What I've started to doubt lately is my own ability to be happy with me.  I wrote a post a few weeks ago about being boring.  I'm disappointed to say that I still feel boring.  Mostly because my professional life is painfully dull so for about 8 hours of my day, I actually am bored if not personally boring.  The other non-sleeping hours of my life I've come to the painful acceptance point of also being boring.

Ok ok - I've not accepted this, which is why I'm writing about it now.  I hate that I feel this way.  Someone asks me what keeps me busy outside of work (one of my favorite small talk questions) and I honestly am embarrassed with the lack of information I have to share about myself.  Ummm yeah, I read, I ride my bike, I think about traveling, I work out sometimes, I cook, I poke around the internet, you know stuff every millennial does really.  Just stuff.

Ugh - so the doubt, the doubt here is about my ability to not be boring.  I expressed this feeling to a friend the other day and his response was something to the effect of "whelp, that's life isn't it?" As if it was okay to be bored and discontented with life.  And maybe it is.  Maybe what I want is something unattainable, or is that simply my doubt speaking up again about my inability to attain something better?  Do I even know what better is?  I don't think I do.

I have hours a day to pursue something better, to work on being better, to simply do better.  I rarely execute against it because I don't know how to do/be/pursue something better.  I don't know how.  That scares me.  What does one do in this type of situation?  Go back to school?  Feverishly learn a new hobby?  Attempt to make friends?  Start a business?  Learn a language?  Plan an adventure?  All of those things sound great on paper, so why the heck can I not execute against them.  I'm good at execution.  I'm usually good at this - so why the doubt?

Any thoughts?