Melancholic Success

Have you ever felt bad because something good happened to you?  I'm sure that sounds a bit backwards, but it happens to me from time to time.  When good things (usually really big good things) happen to me, instead of feeling excited and happy, I feel melancholy and almost shamed.  Maybe not shamed, that isn't the right word, but I don't feel excited or happy.  The initial wave of thrills and enthusiasm pass very quickly and in their wake I'm left with melancholy and malaise.

As with the troubled times in my life, I tend to bottle this all up.  I don't share the good news, albeit I share it much, much more than I do the struggles, but I keep it close to me.  I inform others as if it isn't a big deal or just another piece of daily news like "hey, avocados are on sale this week, I got a job offer from an amazing company, and did you hear that some celebrity is in rehab?"  I toss in a powerful nugget of excitement into a salad of otherwise boring news in hopes that it skirts by almost unnoticed and then I don't have to talk about it.

The really twisted part about all of that is what I know I'm really wanting to happen.  I'm really wanting someone to say "I love avocados - nothing better than some great guac... wait, WHAT?! You got a JOB OFFER?!  Congratulations!  When are we celebrating?  What are the details?!  This is OUTSTANDING!"  I'm wanting someone to gently give me permission to be able to celebrate my own good news.  I want someone else to remember my birthday and I want someone else to celebrate my wins with me.  I want to share.

My most recent success was not met with any type of exuberance from anyone.  It was acknowledged as good news and then shuffled in among the rest of the daily informational download.  Something to be slowly tossed into the recycle bin and not really mentioned again.  It hurt.  It hurts.  To have something you want to be proud of and to celebrate with someone be casually commented on and casually tossed to the side.  It hurts.

The other side to this melancholy feeling is knowing what my good news means to other people.  I don't like talking about doing well because I know there are people in my life who are not where they want to be.  They would never, ever wish me anything but continued success but I know they compare and I know it hurts.  So I don't share because there is no comparison.  The good news washes by totally unnoticed as another part of the background in life.  Then I get sad.  Sad because I really wanted to celebrate and feel good about the news.  Sad because I know the other person isn't where they want to be and they are fighting their own battles.  Sad because in the world there is far too much good that goes unnoticed and I sit here letting another, very personal bit, drift by like anything.

Here's to my success.  Here's to my melancholy.  Here's to everyone else's private wins as well.

Cheers.