Can I Put This In My Mouth??

Can I put this in my mouth?  Should I put this in my mouth?  How much will I regret putting this in my mouth?  *sigh* I just want this in my mouth....

How many times in a day do I think one if not all of these questions?  How much time have I spent evaluating whether a piece of food is something I should ingest?

I'm so tired of fighting this issue.  This awkward body image, healthy eating, outward appearance, issue.  I've grown to be very happy with my shape, size, stature, and self after many years of fighting it.  Fighting a very long, sometimes steep, uphill battle.

I'm not sure how or when I grew to the very unhealthy size that I was in my teens.  My mother says I gained weight so fast that she didn't know how to respond.  I distinctly recall many years of 20+ pound weight gains, that is terribly unflattering.  I remember being in middle school and high school and crying in the fitting rooms of stores because the largest size item didn't fit.  Mom would find me whimpering in a corner and it was - tragic.

Now I'm at a much healthier weight and a much happier place about my shape and size.  But I still ask myself the question "Can I put this in my mouth?"  It dawned on me recently that I'll never get to stop asking that question.  I will never, ever be free from the weight of being over weight.  I'll never have the metabolism of a humming bird.  I'll never be able to eat ice cream without thinking about how much exercise I'll need to do to work it off.  I'll never be able to order the fried chicken when grilled is also offered.  I'll never be able to step on a scale without fear of facing another onslaught of self hating thoughts.  

Maybe... that's okay.  Maybe there is a mental resilience that is built when you come to that realization.  That you will forever carry some type of weight (literal or figurative) that you cannot ever put down.  I don't know how to put it down.  I've not been told I look anything other than "great," "skinny," "sexy," and "hot" in a very long time.   Well at least not from other people.  I tell myself the opposite quite regularly I've found.  That can't be healthy.

Add it to the list of things I'm working on.  Until then - it's back to calorie counting and step tracking and protein loading and obsessing over if I can put something in my mouth.  I'm really healthy about all this life changing stuff.  Eating well (eating enough), exercising, etc.  I wonder what it would be like though, to just put it all in my mouth and not give a damn....  I guess I'll never know.