I Earn My Worth in Waves

Sometimes when I am at work I feel a bit... underutilized.  I feel, honestly, bored.  Not because there aren't a dozen things to do (there are always things to do - motivation and urgency not always a factor...)  It drives me nuts.  Nuts that I'm bored.  Nuts that I am not better at self motivating.  Nuts that I let myself feel it at all.  This has been true for more or less my entire career.  Starting as a reliability engineer, I would have moments of busy learning and problem solving.  I would have moments of painful slow nothing.

When I was working in Florida my manager said something that really stuck with me.  He said, our leadership moments come in waves (or something to that effect.)  It hit me that he was 100% correct.  I go from bored and disengaged to busy, bustling, and happy in the matter of days and sometimes more than once in a day.  That is probably true about all jobs.  There are great things and there are not so great things.

The reference of "leadership moments" particularly hit home as well.  When you manage people, you take on a dozen different roles beyond "manager."  I've been a friend, a therapist, a coach, a contrarian, and everything in between.  I've had many really difficult conversations.  I've had to tell people they are under performing, I've had to deny people time off regardless of the reason for why they need it, I've had to tell people they no longer have a job with full knowledge that there is a family that now does not have an income.  Most conversations aren't that heavy, they are corrective conversations about not using sexist terms or acting out of turn or for not documenting, communicating, or performing as necessary.  But sometimes, you have to have the really difficult conversations.  The conversation that you know will impact the relationship you have with that person.  The conversation that will change the life of more than just the person to whom you're talking.

It is in those moments, the ones that you are trained to have in corporate classes about giving feedback, where I've earned my worth. They don't happen every day (thank goodness) but they happen.  They are emotionally draining and trying and difficult.  They are the moments that I earn my worth.

So yes, I have moments when I feel under utilized and when the pace of the role is a bit sluggish.  But I also have very high stress days and moments of very difficult decision making and conversations.  Together, these extremes make a balanced, healthy sized, challenging job.  But not consistent, not even a bit, rather very oscillatory which in itself is a challenge.  It's in those ups and downs, the peaks and valleys of the role that a manager earns their wages.  Inside those moments is where our growth happens, where we tackle new obstacles and are tried and tested.   In my short time, I've come to learn how painful, joyful, and effective riding this wave of people management really can be.

So no, I don't feel obligated to work a set number of hours every day (I promise I work significantly more than enough.)  I'm teaching myself to not feel guilty when I have moments of boredom or feelings of under utilization.  I'm learning those are the peak moments, when the job is taking a moment to coast.  Where I should take an advantage of the early-ish days and the simpler conversations.  There is a valley ahead for sure, and it's important to hit that challenge without abandon.

I know my valley is coming.  I know my conversations haven't even started.  I know this will be tough.

I know I'm earning my worth.

I know I'm earning my "stripes."

I know I'm earning my title as manager.

I know I'll be on high again.

I know....