Or in my case, stand and pout like a rock star who's assistent forgot to remove all the blue M&Ms from the bowl in my green room before a big performance.
Last weekend I went to Sao Paulo with my new friends Gustavo and Camila. They had asked me if I would want to go to SP on Saturday and hit up a gay club. Of course I said yes:
- I think going to SP sounds like a great time and who cares if the club is gay - that is SOOO Chicago
- I need friends, so beggers can't be choosers here
- What was I going to do that was so much better? Right... nothing
So I am picked up at 9:30ish looking GLAM if I may say so myself. I finally got my things delivered so I had my full closet to select from. Lacy knows this means I had 3 pairs of shoes, 5 shirts, 1 pair of skinny jeans, and no jewelry to select from, so dressing was a breeze. I did my best to glam up the eyes (I tried to smoke them out, but just looked like an addict so I went with the standard)
We get to SP around 11:30 or so (my guess). A few people in the car are hungry so we stop at two random roadside stalls that are selling hot dogs and random Brazilian street food in addition to a wide assortment of booze. Something about the whole operation made me really question what you would get in an extra dirty martini if you were so brazen to order one.
We approached the club like a standard group of 4 people looking to have fun. And the outside was PACKED. I'm thinking - this line is going to take us an hour to get through and it is going to be PACKED when we get inside. But lucky for us, Gustavo knew someone who knew someone else who had a birthday so we got shuffled into the Aneversario line. Now mind you while all this was going on there was a lot of conversation among the group about finding a different place because everyone outside was just UGLY and why would we want to be with UGLY people?? I'm standing there (at an admirable 6'3" in my heels - maybe more) thinking... ummm we look like they do... we belong here. I look like a drag queen from the back because I'm so tall and broad - let's not start judging anyone here.
So we get in - after an awkward conversation about cover fees, drink specials, what you pay, what you don't pay etc. Turns out the club opened at midnight so the crowd out front was the crowd. It was HUGE. This place had front room which was massive, an upstairs, and a FULL outdoor field with raised porch thing. Seemed nice enough. There were two bars on the main level and I'm sure one up top but that was VIP only so I just waved from the cheap seats up to the glamorous people.
I grabbed a drink - a single Smirnoff Ice (which came in a can with a straw... WTF) I was thinking to myself, don't get drunk, you're at a gay bar in SP with 2000 other people. You really don't have a plan B in the event that something goes wrong - so keep your wits about you. It took me over an hour to nurse that Smirnoff down... that should be an indicator of how the night was going to go.
Music started out as a really strange mix - blasting everything from Lady Gaga to Spice Girls and even tossed in a bit of N'Sync to keep it interesting. My friends and I were dancing (well they were trolling for boys and make out partners and I was doing what I do best - looking like an electrocuted daddy long leg). At some point we moved from the outside area to the inside part. It was hot and sweaty and gay men had taken off their shirts to show their beautiful tan and buff bodies. I was having a fun time.
Then the techno started. Then I went into some type of time warp. The techno starts (which I cannot appreciate at all) and every song is I kid you not - the previous song played backwards. The lights start to strobe, they go black, then like magic everything starts pulsing together with the beat. Sure it is cool for a few "songs" and you're into it really feeling the bass (literally feeling it because we are next to the speaker and my chest is THUMPING). I ask for the time. 2:30AM. No wonder my feet are KILLING. Good thing we might leave soon.
WRONG - we were here for the long haul. We were here to see the sunrise. We were here to RAVE. I was not there to do any of these things. And at this realization, that is when the time warp started. Every song was the same song. Every dance move was the same dance move. Every shirtless gay man who walked by was the same shirtless gay man (expect for the overweight hairy ones who apparently thought that they could take their shirts off because they were hot). I was convinced I was living the same 7 minutes over and over again, just watching the mass of people gyrate in unison to the same beats.
Thank goodness I only had one Smirnoff Ice.
My feet are killing me. Heels were a dumb idea.
It's hot... clothes were a dumb idea too - damn - I need to keep those on.
Then the circus starts. No I'm not joking. There is a live performance set to the theme of a circus. A woman comes out and starts singing Gaga and Kesha songs while other people are juggling and doing fancy ribbon acrobats. More hot shirtless men parade around doing strange dance moves. I'm too frustrated to care. Although I'm hoping my friends will leave once the performance is over.... maybe????
This is when I lose Gustavo. A cute boy is behind us watching this woman drape herself over a trapeze bar while singing Telephone. Gustavo notices him. I notice Gustavo noticing him. I smile thinking how cute it all is. Then... there is no more Gustavo or cute boy. Well they are there, they are just smashed together in a massively competitive game of tonsil tennis. I turn away wanting to give them some resemblance of privacy (more for my sake than theirs). And then they are gone. This time really gone.
My feet hurt.
We are now back outside in the open field. The cool night air feels nice. My friends are dancing still and drinking. I'm standing there awkwardly wanting to sit down. I'm starting to think if I can slip away in a taxi to the bus station to catch a bus home. Could I do that?? No, I couldn't do that. Where did Gustavo go??
I look up and admire Orion. One of the equatorial constellations that can be seen from anywhere in the world. Arguably the most recognized constellation. It's beautiful. I smile.
Back inside - why?? I don't know - so Gustavo can find us I guess? Camila is making out with someone. No one is trying to make out with me. That's okay, I didn't really want to make out with anyone. But it would have been nice if someone tried. I guess my "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME" stamp that I was wearing on my face is automatically translated into the local language.
My feet hurt.
Back outside - why?? IDK. We find Gustavo. Still enthralled in his game of tennis. Clearly it was a good match up - it's like 40 times overtime in there. Still dancing. I'm standing. Now sitting on a random pipe thing that other people are also sitting on. Thank goodness!! Feet get a brief break.
I now notice that it is starting to look different some how. The entire scene is changing. Oh... it's sunrise. 5:30AM. I think I'm going to die.
My feet hurt.
It takes me close to an hour to get everyone together to leave. We all have to pay our tabs. My single Smirnoff Ice was covered by my cover charge - so I was a cheap date. Not that it mattered, I would have been a REALLY bad cheap date had it been a date.
Finally back at the car. Feet hurt.
Back in Campinas - shoes off, feet tingling. Showered. Contacts out. Teeth brushed... on bed - OUT. 9:00AM (ish) the next day.
Never again... Scrabble and a bottle of wine - yes please!! Crazy all night raves in SP?? No thanks, been there, done that, not my scene.
