Sometimes, we just need a little perspective...

As a few of my friends have mentioned to me and I'm sure any reader of this has noticed, I don't really blog anymore. It's not because I don't want to, it's more that I feel nothing I do nowadays compares to my adventures in India. But I've decided that there are somethings I would like to say, and whomever reads this can choose to hear what I have to say or not. Nothing I have to write here is of any great importance on a global scale, but merely a meandering of my own thoughts in a parade of self-explorations. So this post is more about me sharing some of myself in an effort to understand where I'm coming from and what I'm feeling. I'm writing it as a stream of conscience, so the smattering of tangents is to be expected. I could use a little perspective...

After returning from Honduras and another great international adventure, I realized something. I realized that I made a big mistake trying to get over Sidd. I've not been in a relationship since we broke up in the typical sense. There was one individual with whom I did more the friend-like things with. I did that more to test the waters and see if I was ready to move on, partly because I was attracted, and partly in an effort to heal. I learned that doing so was a very big mistake, and hopefully one which I can learn from and now really heal.

The interesting thing about my trip to Honduras and how it precipitated a lot of these realizations is that I missed Sidd more in those 7 days than I had missed him since we left each other in July 2007 (July 21st to be exact was the day that I kissed him goodbye and spent the next two hours crying while on the bus to La Guardia airport in NYC). What he and I did together for the majority of our time together was travel around India. We spent almost every weekend going somewhere, doing something, seeing exciting places, eating new foods, and meeting new people. I loved every minute of that time with him. I got to do many of the same things while in Honduras and I shared them with Katie, not Sidd. Now, Katie was her own wonderful set of things and she made the trip fantastic. With only two mild mis-communications/tension filled moments, we did a great job traveling together. But all the while, I was thinking about Sidd and all the great trips we did together. Katie and I were walking along a beach where there were large rocks near the shore creating very sheltered pools of water. In these small pools were schools of fish and we waded into them and tried to catch them. I almost started crying thinking about how Sidd and I did the same thing while on Long Island with my cousins and grandparents. That's just one example of many such moments.

As I reflected back on all my flashback memories of times with Sidd, and I felt my heart get tight and heavy with a mixture of sadness and elation, I knew that I was not over him and that I'm not healed. I also knew, that whatever it was that I was doing with this other person, was not helping me move on past Sidd, it was making me hurt more for not being true to how I still feel. I learned a similar lesson when trying to get over Duncan, but I guess somehow that lesson was lost. As a result I've decided to remain faithful to my feelings that I have now and to treat my heart as it feels it is, which is attached. Sidd and I are not together anymore and thinking that truth still brings tears to my eyes and causes my throat to tighten. But just thinking about Sidd causes my heart to sing.

I ask myself what it was about me that wasn't worth fighting for. What didn't I have, or what wasn't I offering, or what didn't I understand that prevented us from being what I knew we were going to be. I did know, there was not a doubt in my mind that I was going to be his wife, it was so strange when I had that realization, that I was going to marry him. He didn't know that my mind and heart simultaneously told me, but it happened. And now that he can't be mine, it makes me question the sages who spin the proverbs. Those elders and wise men and women to claim, when you find the one you are supposed to be with, you will just know. I knew, I knew through and through, but I was wrong, or at least that is what I've been told. Having him walk out of my life has been an emotional challenge that I have yet to face and overcome. I still cry at night sometimes when my heartstrings get tugged by memories. I still plan out far-flug reuniting stories of how I'm going to meet him again in life and he will know then, like I knew then and we really will be happy like I had expected it to be. Perhaps that is childish and silly to hold onto such fanciful dreams, but I need to be true to my heart, and that is what my heart is feeling.

So to the people who I perhaps used in an effort to heal myself, and leapfrog through some of the grieving, I'm sorry it was wrong to use your emotions and your support in such a manner. To those spectators to my life in any capacity, I suppose it time I bared a little of this internal struggle and I appreciate you reading it. Sometimes we all need people to bare witness to our lives, and having people read my thoughts grants me that necessity. And to Sidd, in the event that he reads this, I'm still a bachchoo (your bachchoo) and I'm holding onto such kiddish dreams.

Love is hard to come by, and almost impossible to let go of once you've found it. I'm trying not to be selfish, I'm trying to heal, I'm not trying to live in the past rather, I'm trying to open myself to more opportunities, and I'm not ignoring the many conversations and nights of tears, I'm just trying to gain some perspective...