Yosemite Trip - Mini vacation

Mini vacations always make me want to take longer vacations.  I come back from a few days away longing for even more time away.  I wonder if that is a symptom of my wanderlust or of my dislike for my daily life, of my "real world."  There are parts of my daily life that I love very much, spending time with The Boyfriend, playing with Bailey, the feeling you get right when you give yourself over to sleep, laughing.  Yet I find myself frequently wanting to get away from the every day and I feel it most strongly when I come back to it after being away briefly.

Last weekend The Boyfriend and I took a mini trip to Yosemite National Park.  This trip was his Valentines Day gift to me and it was really fantastic.  We left the Bay Area really early in the morning and drove 3.5 hours to Yosemite.  Stopped at the upscale lodge for a nice breakfast before heading out to our first hike.  It was a delightful 7ish mile loop up a waterfall and back around.  At the valley floor it was a cloud covered, cool morning and as we climbed it started to rain and at the top it was snowing!  While a lot of people probably lamented the weather wanting the picturesque views and blue skies, The Boyfriend, however, really loves the water and rain and snow.  His smiles during all weather were the best.  The scenery was as stunning as the reviews say, the expanse of natural beauty is truly breathtaking.

We stayed in a very cute little town about an hour outside the park.  We had a nice dinner and an early bedtime the first night to prepare for the second day hike.  We started a little later in the day and were greeted by several switchbacks of stairs and fantastic views of Yosemite falls.  We turned around when I realized that I was holding us back a bit and moving slower than we needed to be moving to make it to the top before the weather hit.  It was a really sad feeling to know that I was the reason we weren't going to finish the climb.  The Boyfriend showed such concern as I started to really slow down.  When we stopped on a dry log for lunch I had mini "come to Jesus" talk with myself about needing to turn around.  I'm sad we had to do it, but I knew it was the right thing for my joints.

So we turned around and enjoyed an earlier end to our day by having a nice cup of hot chocolate in the sitting room of the lodge we had breakfast at the day before.  We spent a few hours relaxing and talking and enjoying being in the park, drove around some to get some pictures and headed out for dinner.

Last weekend was Mother's Day so The Boyfriend and I continued our driving south a bit to see his parents and have a nice meal with his mom.  They are wonderful people and I really enjoy being around them as they are very inclusive and kind.

While it was only 4 days away, we packed in a lot of activities and a lot of scenery seeing and family time too.  As I climbed into bed on Sunday, it was that strange feeling of elation having had such a great time away and melancholy that I had to wake up to another Monday in my "real world."

Something has to give here.... and soon.... gosh I hope it is soon.

Moments of Doubt

Do you ever have moments of doubt about your life?  Maybe big things, maybe small things, maybe hypothetical things, things from the past, or things from the fantasy life you're still trying to create.  Do you ever doubt what's going on or where you are or why you're there?  I go through cycles with doubt and I imagine that is pretty normal.  Big life decisions and anxious times will bring about doubt and the onslaught of the "what if..." questions.

I'm usually pretty good about massive life changes once I've made a decision.  I'll oscillate and I'll speculate and I'll churn over the options again and again but once the decision is made, I'm pretty good at executing against the decision.  Despite that, I do have my moments of doubt if I made the right decision.  As all proverbial forked roads, I'll wonder if the other path would have been better.

Lately I've been doubting myself more than normal and it's starting to worry me.  Not doubt myself in the since of my abilities to be a highly functioning adult.  I would confidently say I am a highly functioning adult and take that for whatever it may be worth.  What I've started to doubt lately is my own ability to be happy with me.  I wrote a post a few weeks ago about being boring.  I'm disappointed to say that I still feel boring.  Mostly because my professional life is painfully dull so for about 8 hours of my day, I actually am bored if not personally boring.  The other non-sleeping hours of my life I've come to the painful acceptance point of also being boring.

Ok ok - I've not accepted this, which is why I'm writing about it now.  I hate that I feel this way.  Someone asks me what keeps me busy outside of work (one of my favorite small talk questions) and I honestly am embarrassed with the lack of information I have to share about myself.  Ummm yeah, I read, I ride my bike, I think about traveling, I work out sometimes, I cook, I poke around the internet, you know stuff every millennial does really.  Just stuff.

Ugh - so the doubt, the doubt here is about my ability to not be boring.  I expressed this feeling to a friend the other day and his response was something to the effect of "whelp, that's life isn't it?" As if it was okay to be bored and discontented with life.  And maybe it is.  Maybe what I want is something unattainable, or is that simply my doubt speaking up again about my inability to attain something better?  Do I even know what better is?  I don't think I do.

I have hours a day to pursue something better, to work on being better, to simply do better.  I rarely execute against it because I don't know how to do/be/pursue something better.  I don't know how.  That scares me.  What does one do in this type of situation?  Go back to school?  Feverishly learn a new hobby?  Attempt to make friends?  Start a business?  Learn a language?  Plan an adventure?  All of those things sound great on paper, so why the heck can I not execute against them.  I'm good at execution.  I'm usually good at this - so why the doubt?

Any thoughts?

The Luxury of Wanting Work-Life Balance

April Update - so a lot has changed in the last few weeks.  Less in a physical, tangible way but more in my perspective and life planning.  In a post a few months back I mention a life plan and how I don't really have one outside of the fairy tale.  I think in writing that post and the reflections I've been doing about my life I made a quiet self commitment to put my personal life first.  I talked a lot about this not only in this blog but with conversations with my friends, colleagues and mentors. 

Honestly, I thought work-life balance was something that middle age men regretted not having.  It was something that new mothers lamented not having because they were being forced to choose between their career and their families.  Work-Life balance was not something a young, single female really had the luxury to worry about.  I pick that word luxury specifically, because I've always thought it was a luxury.  This elusive thing that everyone strove for but never achieved.  To covet it was normal, but also earned.  Earned through years of being overworked and making personal sacrifice to grow a career.  Earned through neglecting family events such as kid sporting events or talent shows to attend work functions and make presentations.  Work-life balance wasn't something I had thought I had earned the right to want.

It was a weird moment when I realized this about my perspective on personal and professional life balance.  When I stopped and thought, huh, I do want this and I can have it and it's okay that I don't meet any of the indicators my biased view of people who want it but don't have it possess.  Much like it's okay to have the personal side of life to be whatever it is that I choose it to be.  

It seems as though the only widely accepted reason to not be working is to be rearing children.  No one really can question your motivation for leaving work when you are going to pick up your kid from school or go to a dance recital or something.  There has been enough public shaming of dad's missing out on kids' lives that rearing children is rightfully becoming something that people approve of using our personal time doing.  Well, for those of us who don't have kids, we don't have the luxury of a socially approved out of work activity that we may want to balance. 

Where I've netted out on all this is that time away from work is time away from work.  I don't need to justify it nor do I need to approve it.  If I'm making a decision to leave work, that means I've decided that whatever it is I'm off to do is more important to me at that moment than work.  It might be going to my kid's soccer game or it might be going to get frozen yogurt with a friend or it might be to binge watch Netflix.  It doesn't matter and I don't have to justify it.  In this spirit, I never ask my team why they are leaving work.  They come in to tell me they are leaving early or ask if they can adjust their hours and then promptly start telling me why.  Sometimes in what appears like a justification for something that is more important than work, and other times in the spirit of sharing some of their lives.  They are two very different things.  One is seeking approval, the other is trying to build a relationship.  I do everything I can to be sure they understand I'm only interested in the latter.  If they want to leave early to play pinball at an old school arcade, that's awesome I don't need to approve that.  Time away is time away.  My time is as valuable as your time, regardless of what I or you choose to do with it.

So I do have the luxury of wanting work life balance.  Because I'm not going to feel guilty for taking my time back.   I think, that decision and mind shift in being okay with wanting to have my personal life be more important than my professional one has finally started to take shape.

I'm starting a new career with a new company - details to come.  But I'm starting to put Allison the Person in front of Allison the Employee and it feels awesome. 

Melancholic Success

Have you ever felt bad because something good happened to you?  I'm sure that sounds a bit backwards, but it happens to me from time to time.  When good things (usually really big good things) happen to me, instead of feeling excited and happy, I feel melancholy and almost shamed.  Maybe not shamed, that isn't the right word, but I don't feel excited or happy.  The initial wave of thrills and enthusiasm pass very quickly and in their wake I'm left with melancholy and malaise.

As with the troubled times in my life, I tend to bottle this all up.  I don't share the good news, albeit I share it much, much more than I do the struggles, but I keep it close to me.  I inform others as if it isn't a big deal or just another piece of daily news like "hey, avocados are on sale this week, I got a job offer from an amazing company, and did you hear that some celebrity is in rehab?"  I toss in a powerful nugget of excitement into a salad of otherwise boring news in hopes that it skirts by almost unnoticed and then I don't have to talk about it.

The really twisted part about all of that is what I know I'm really wanting to happen.  I'm really wanting someone to say "I love avocados - nothing better than some great guac... wait, WHAT?! You got a JOB OFFER?!  Congratulations!  When are we celebrating?  What are the details?!  This is OUTSTANDING!"  I'm wanting someone to gently give me permission to be able to celebrate my own good news.  I want someone else to remember my birthday and I want someone else to celebrate my wins with me.  I want to share.

My most recent success was not met with any type of exuberance from anyone.  It was acknowledged as good news and then shuffled in among the rest of the daily informational download.  Something to be slowly tossed into the recycle bin and not really mentioned again.  It hurt.  It hurts.  To have something you want to be proud of and to celebrate with someone be casually commented on and casually tossed to the side.  It hurts.

The other side to this melancholy feeling is knowing what my good news means to other people.  I don't like talking about doing well because I know there are people in my life who are not where they want to be.  They would never, ever wish me anything but continued success but I know they compare and I know it hurts.  So I don't share because there is no comparison.  The good news washes by totally unnoticed as another part of the background in life.  Then I get sad.  Sad because I really wanted to celebrate and feel good about the news.  Sad because I know the other person isn't where they want to be and they are fighting their own battles.  Sad because in the world there is far too much good that goes unnoticed and I sit here letting another, very personal bit, drift by like anything.

Here's to my success.  Here's to my melancholy.  Here's to everyone else's private wins as well.

Cheers.

Personal Style - Stitch Fix

I'm not at all a fashionable person.  Not even a bit.  I try from time to time to put together an outfit and put a bit of energy into how I look, but really, I'm terrible.  I wear jeans to work everyday (manufacturing life...) and a nice(ish) top that promptly gets covered with a lab coat, put on safety shoes, and a hair net.  There I stand as a worker bee in a production facility.  No need for fancy anything.  So weekends and evenings are really the only time I ever feel the need to do myself up.  Most weeknights, I'm heading out to see The Boyfriend and if we are staying in I wear comfy lounge around the house clothes.  If we are meeting up with friends for dinner, I wear skinny jeans and a flowy top and maybe a cardigan.  I make an outfit that is fine, cute maybe, but nothing special.  Weekends it's the same thing.

Anyway - I'm really trying to put together a personal style that isn't just "Manufactured Leftovers." which is what I sort of feel like.  I'd love to feel like I know what I'm doing when I get dressed in the morning and that my closet has clothes in it that will enable me to feel confident and presentable to take on the day.  I also want it to look effortless and have the clothes actually fit me.

I'm an odd size.  I'm tall, and proportioned as such.  My arms are long, my torso is long, my legs are long and shoulders are broad.  Putting me in a standard cut shirt is fine.  It covers the parts that it needs to.  However, it probably doesn't come down along my torso as it should.  The shoulders probably pinch a bit.  If it is long sleeve, it will probably look like 3/4 sleeve - or just awkward.  If you put pants on me, they will probably be flood pants.  If you get "cropped" style, they will probably cut off circulation to my calves because without fail they end at the widest part of my calf.  If you put a summer dress on me, it probably will look like a mini dress that is not age appropriate.  If you put a maxi dress on me, I will probably pull it off flawlessly and enviously but who wants to wear a maxi dress???

I'm also a big lady.  No no no , I'm not criticizing my size or thinking anything bad as a result.  But I'm not a willowy 6ft model of a women.  I'm a very healthy size 8.  Which is to say, not the skinny size 2 of most models,  It also means I have some curves, some places of opportunity and some things that don't always look nice if wrapped in snug clothing.

So... I've never liked fashion or shopping for clothes because I always feel like I look foolish in everything.  I have a few things that look nice, a few outfits that I get complimented on, but in general.  I think I look silly and as if the clothes don't fit, because they don't.

So I'm trying Stitch Fix as a way to force some different style into my life that I might not normally try from the rack.  I'm on my 4-5 month now, and it's really been hit or miss.  A few items I really have liked, most of them though I have not.  I might love how it fits, but not for the price, or color, or material.  Or I love all those other things, but cannot button the pants to save my life.  I'll stick with Stitch Fix for a bit longer as I'm getting very firm with my requests and feedback.  Perhaps they will remember that I'm tall and not send me items like were clearly not designed for a person of any stature...

Any tips from anyone on how else to go about this adventure are much appreciated.

March Recipe - Baked Honey Garlic Chicken

So the one resolution I'm actually keeping up with is trying a new recipe a month.  I'm a big chicken, fish, and veggie eater.  Every meal I cook is some combination of those items.  When The Boyfriend is over, I add in starch because he likes rice and has the unfair metabolism of a hummingbird making the calories necessary.  I'm working on getting him off of white rice and into quinoa, brown rices, whole grains, etc.  It's a slow process and one I only win when I do the cooking.  He doesn't complain, but he still buys white rice which is pretty indicative of either a strong preference or blind habit.

This month I was searching on Pinterest for something new and something that wouldn't result in a Pinterest fail.  I came across this great recipe for Baked Honey Garlic Chicken.  Best part was aside from the Panko breading and Sriracha sauce I had everything I needed already (I opted out of the parsley.)  The Boyfriend came over and I started cubing up chicken breasts, egg washing, and breading them.  I realized very quickly that I did not have an efficient way for breading and this whole process took me FAR too long to accomplish.

I also didn't get quite the "crunch" factor I was hoping for from the breading but I think I could accomplish that by raising the heat in the oven for the last maybe 3-5 minutes and browning the edges of the breading without drying the chicken.

The chicken did cook really nicely though, I used three good sized chicken breasts here and we had enough for dinner for two plus lunch for two.  Although the sauce portion was not enough for all that, I'd recommend making this with two chicken breasts or doubling the sauce.

Oh the sauce - so easy and so very yummy.  There is something great about sweet, salty, spicy, Asian flavor combinations.  I really do love this sauce.  It reminds me of sweet and spicy fried chicken you can get at every take out Chinese restaurant, but better because it's fresh and only 4 ingredients.  I substituted garlic powder for the cloves, and would probably go with cloves next time but I was so done with cooking by this point that I cut a corner and regretted it.

I paired the chicken with steamed broccoli and some really dark rice that I picked up on a whim on sale.  It was really starchy, almost sticky and neutral in flavor.  A little salt and some fresh ground pepper perked it right up though!  I drizzled the chicken with the sweet/spicy sauce and forgot the sesame seeds but it still looked and tasted great.  The Boyfriend said it was good too, and even took home a lunch box of leftovers (great indicator of if he actually liked it or was eating it to be polite.)

I think this is a keeper of a recipe!

Notes:  Egg wash all the cubes together, this is much faster!  Then toss with bread crumbs vs trying to individually wash and roll each piece - nightmare!  Use fresh garlic in the sauce, and don't forget the sesame seeds :)

Enjoy!!

Am I Boring?

This is a real question.  Am I boring?  I fear that the answer is yes.  I am boring.  I think I actually bore myself sometimes.

I was asked what I like to do the other day.  My standard answer to that is "I'm an avid cyclist, I work a lot, and I read, spend time with friends, and plan adventures."  The truth is the last two activities are lies now.  I don't spend time with friends because I don't really have many to speak of.  I've not planned an adventure in a long time.  I'm coming up on my birthday and I will for the first time in many years fall behind in my life goal of keeping the numbers of countries I've visited greater than my age.  I feel boring.

So how does one become interesting?  How does someone start doing something that is exciting and engaging and anything that is an antonym to boring?  I thought maybe I should take a class of sorts.  Cooking, drawing, painting, dancing, guitar, archery... I don't know.  But is that really the solution?  I suppose I could find a new hobby by taking a course in something like that which would be nice but I don't think it solves the real problem.

I could study for the GRE and start thinking about grad school and applying for an MBA.  I've always like school and I think I would like having a graduate degree.  Being in Silicon Valley it's a mix of highly inspiring and very humbling.  Seems like everyone around here is the best of the best at what they do, and they are doing very exciting things that they are passionate about.  I miss being passionate about what I do.  Everyone is so innovative and excited about trying to take the world by storm with their ideas.  As I said, it's super inspiring.  It also is a strong juxtaposition to how I feel about my dull life right now.

Highly innovative, fast paced, exciting, and risky vs. whatever the heck it is that I do everyday.

*sigh*

What do I do?