Do you ever have moments of doubt about your life? Maybe big things, maybe small things, maybe hypothetical things, things from the past, or things from the fantasy life you're still trying to create. Do you ever doubt what's going on or where you are or why you're there? I go through cycles with doubt and I imagine that is pretty normal. Big life decisions and anxious times will bring about doubt and the onslaught of the "what if..." questions.
I'm usually pretty good about massive life changes once I've made a decision. I'll oscillate and I'll speculate and I'll churn over the options again and again but once the decision is made, I'm pretty good at executing against the decision. Despite that, I do have my moments of doubt if I made the right decision. As all proverbial forked roads, I'll wonder if the other path would have been better.
Lately I've been doubting myself more than normal and it's starting to worry me. Not doubt myself in the since of my abilities to be a highly functioning adult. I would confidently say I am a highly functioning adult and take that for whatever it may be worth. What I've started to doubt lately is my own ability to be happy with me. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about being boring. I'm disappointed to say that I still feel boring. Mostly because my professional life is painfully dull so for about 8 hours of my day, I actually am bored if not personally boring. The other non-sleeping hours of my life I've come to the painful acceptance point of also being boring.
Ok ok - I've not accepted this, which is why I'm writing about it now. I hate that I feel this way. Someone asks me what keeps me busy outside of work (one of my favorite small talk questions) and I honestly am embarrassed with the lack of information I have to share about myself. Ummm yeah, I read, I ride my bike, I think about traveling, I work out sometimes, I cook, I poke around the internet, you know stuff every millennial does really. Just stuff.
Ugh - so the doubt, the doubt here is about my ability to not be boring. I expressed this feeling to a friend the other day and his response was something to the effect of "whelp, that's life isn't it?" As if it was okay to be bored and discontented with life. And maybe it is. Maybe what I want is something unattainable, or is that simply my doubt speaking up again about my inability to attain something better? Do I even know what better is? I don't think I do.
I have hours a day to pursue something better, to work on being better, to simply do better. I rarely execute against it because I don't know how to do/be/pursue something better. I don't know how. That scares me. What does one do in this type of situation? Go back to school? Feverishly learn a new hobby? Attempt to make friends? Start a business? Learn a language? Plan an adventure? All of those things sound great on paper, so why the heck can I not execute against them. I'm good at execution. I'm usually good at this - so why the doubt?
Any thoughts?
In an attempt to keep my roots while desperately using my wings... These are my adventures.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
The Luxury of Wanting Work-Life Balance
April Update - so a lot has changed
in the last few weeks. Less in a physical, tangible way but more in my
perspective and life planning. In a post a few months back I mention a
life plan and how I don't really have one outside of the fairy tale. I
think in writing that post and the reflections I've been doing about my life I
made a quiet self commitment to put my personal life first. I talked a
lot about this not only in this blog but with conversations with my friends,
colleagues and mentors.
Honestly, I thought work-life
balance was something that middle age men regretted not having. It was
something that new mothers lamented not having because they were being forced
to choose between their career and their families. Work-Life balance was
not something a young, single female really had the luxury to worry about.
I pick that word luxury specifically, because I've always thought it was
a luxury. This elusive thing that everyone strove for but never achieved.
To covet it was normal, but also earned. Earned through years of
being overworked and making personal sacrifice to grow a career. Earned
through neglecting family events such as kid sporting events or talent shows to
attend work functions and make presentations. Work-life balance wasn't
something I had thought I had earned the right to want.
It was a weird moment when I
realized this about my perspective on personal and professional life balance.
When I stopped and thought, huh, I do want this and I can have it and
it's okay that I don't meet any of the indicators my biased view of people who
want it but don't have it possess. Much like it's okay to have the
personal side of life to be whatever it is that I choose it to be.
It seems as though the only widely
accepted reason to not be working is to be rearing children. No one
really can question your motivation for leaving work when you are going to pick
up your kid from school or go to a dance recital or something. There has
been enough public shaming of dad's missing out on kids' lives that rearing
children is rightfully becoming something that people approve of using our
personal time doing. Well, for those of us who don't have kids, we don't
have the luxury of a socially approved out of work activity that we may want to
balance.
Where I've netted out on all this
is that time away from work is time away from work. I don't need to
justify it nor do I need to approve it. If I'm making a decision to leave
work, that means I've decided that whatever it is I'm off to do is more
important to me at that moment than work. It might be going to my kid's
soccer game or it might be going to get frozen yogurt with a friend or it might
be to binge watch Netflix. It doesn't matter and I don't have to justify
it. In this spirit, I never ask my team why they are leaving work.
They come in to tell me they are leaving early or ask if they can adjust
their hours and then promptly start telling me why. Sometimes in what
appears like a justification for something that is more important than work,
and other times in the spirit of sharing some of their lives. They are
two very different things. One is seeking approval, the other is trying
to build a relationship. I do everything I can to be sure they understand
I'm only interested in the latter. If they want to leave early to play
pinball at an old school arcade, that's awesome I don't need to approve that.
Time away is time away. My time is as valuable as your time,
regardless of what I or you choose to do with it.
So I do have the luxury of wanting
work life balance. Because I'm not going to feel guilty for taking my
time back. I think, that decision and mind shift in being okay with
wanting to have my personal life be more important than my professional one has
finally started to take shape.
I'm starting a new career with a
new company - details to come. But I'm starting to put Allison the Person
in front of Allison the Employee and it feels awesome.
Thursday, April 09, 2015
Melancholic Success
Have you ever felt bad because something good happened to you? I'm sure that sounds a bit backwards, but it happens to me from time to time. When good things (usually really big good things) happen to me, instead of feeling excited and happy, I feel melancholy and almost shamed. Maybe not shamed, that isn't the right word, but I don't feel excited or happy. The initial wave of thrills and enthusiasm pass very quickly and in their wake I'm left with melancholy and malaise.
As with the troubled times in my life, I tend to bottle this all up. I don't share the good news, albeit I share it much, much more than I do the struggles, but I keep it close to me. I inform others as if it isn't a big deal or just another piece of daily news like "hey, avocados are on sale this week, I got a job offer from an amazing company, and did you hear that some celebrity is in rehab?" I toss in a powerful nugget of excitement into a salad of otherwise boring news in hopes that it skirts by almost unnoticed and then I don't have to talk about it.
The really twisted part about all of that is what I know I'm really wanting to happen. I'm really wanting someone to say "I love avocados - nothing better than some great guac... wait, WHAT?! You got a JOB OFFER?! Congratulations! When are we celebrating? What are the details?! This is OUTSTANDING!" I'm wanting someone to gently give me permission to be able to celebrate my own good news. I want someone else to remember my birthday and I want someone else to celebrate my wins with me. I want to share.
My most recent success was not met with any type of exuberance from anyone. It was acknowledged as good news and then shuffled in among the rest of the daily informational download. Something to be slowly tossed into the recycle bin and not really mentioned again. It hurt. It hurts. To have something you want to be proud of and to celebrate with someone be casually commented on and casually tossed to the side. It hurts.
The other side to this melancholy feeling is knowing what my good news means to other people. I don't like talking about doing well because I know there are people in my life who are not where they want to be. They would never, ever wish me anything but continued success but I know they compare and I know it hurts. So I don't share because there is no comparison. The good news washes by totally unnoticed as another part of the background in life. Then I get sad. Sad because I really wanted to celebrate and feel good about the news. Sad because I know the other person isn't where they want to be and they are fighting their own battles. Sad because in the world there is far too much good that goes unnoticed and I sit here letting another, very personal bit, drift by like anything.
Here's to my success. Here's to my melancholy. Here's to everyone else's private wins as well.
Cheers.
As with the troubled times in my life, I tend to bottle this all up. I don't share the good news, albeit I share it much, much more than I do the struggles, but I keep it close to me. I inform others as if it isn't a big deal or just another piece of daily news like "hey, avocados are on sale this week, I got a job offer from an amazing company, and did you hear that some celebrity is in rehab?" I toss in a powerful nugget of excitement into a salad of otherwise boring news in hopes that it skirts by almost unnoticed and then I don't have to talk about it.
The really twisted part about all of that is what I know I'm really wanting to happen. I'm really wanting someone to say "I love avocados - nothing better than some great guac... wait, WHAT?! You got a JOB OFFER?! Congratulations! When are we celebrating? What are the details?! This is OUTSTANDING!" I'm wanting someone to gently give me permission to be able to celebrate my own good news. I want someone else to remember my birthday and I want someone else to celebrate my wins with me. I want to share.
My most recent success was not met with any type of exuberance from anyone. It was acknowledged as good news and then shuffled in among the rest of the daily informational download. Something to be slowly tossed into the recycle bin and not really mentioned again. It hurt. It hurts. To have something you want to be proud of and to celebrate with someone be casually commented on and casually tossed to the side. It hurts.
The other side to this melancholy feeling is knowing what my good news means to other people. I don't like talking about doing well because I know there are people in my life who are not where they want to be. They would never, ever wish me anything but continued success but I know they compare and I know it hurts. So I don't share because there is no comparison. The good news washes by totally unnoticed as another part of the background in life. Then I get sad. Sad because I really wanted to celebrate and feel good about the news. Sad because I know the other person isn't where they want to be and they are fighting their own battles. Sad because in the world there is far too much good that goes unnoticed and I sit here letting another, very personal bit, drift by like anything.
Here's to my success. Here's to my melancholy. Here's to everyone else's private wins as well.
Cheers.