Can I Put This In My Mouth??

Can I put this in my mouth?  Should I put this in my mouth?  How much will I regret putting this in my mouth?  *sigh* I just want this in my mouth....

How many times in a day do I think one if not all of these questions?  How much time have I spent evaluating whether a piece of food is something I should ingest?

I'm so tired of fighting this issue.  This awkward body image, healthy eating, outward appearance, issue.  I've grown to be very happy with my shape, size, stature, and self after many years of fighting it.  Fighting a very long, sometimes steep, uphill battle.

I'm not sure how or when I grew to the very unhealthy size that I was in my teens.  My mother says I gained weight so fast that she didn't know how to respond.  I distinctly recall many years of 20+ pound weight gains, that is terribly unflattering.  I remember being in middle school and high school and crying in the fitting rooms of stores because the largest size item didn't fit.  Mom would find me whimpering in a corner and it was - tragic.

Now I'm at a much healthier weight and a much happier place about my shape and size.  But I still ask myself the question "Can I put this in my mouth?"  It dawned on me recently that I'll never get to stop asking that question.  I will never, ever be free from the weight of being over weight.  I'll never have the metabolism of a humming bird.  I'll never be able to eat ice cream without thinking about how much exercise I'll need to do to work it off.  I'll never be able to order the fried chicken when grilled is also offered.  I'll never be able to step on a scale without fear of facing another onslaught of self hating thoughts.  

Maybe... that's okay.  Maybe there is a mental resilience that is built when you come to that realization.  That you will forever carry some type of weight (literal or figurative) that you cannot ever put down.  I don't know how to put it down.  I've not been told I look anything other than "great," "skinny," "sexy," and "hot" in a very long time.   Well at least not from other people.  I tell myself the opposite quite regularly I've found.  That can't be healthy.

Add it to the list of things I'm working on.  Until then - it's back to calorie counting and step tracking and protein loading and obsessing over if I can put something in my mouth.  I'm really healthy about all this life changing stuff.  Eating well (eating enough), exercising, etc.  I wonder what it would be like though, to just put it all in my mouth and not give a damn....  I guess I'll never know.

Life Plan

I had a conversation with a mentor of mine recently about the next steps in my career and where I think I may want to go next professionally.  The options are almost guaranteed to require another relocation.  I've moved 6 times in 6 years.  The longest I've ever lived in one place after college was the small town of Cape Girardeau, MO.  Two and  a half years I spent in this very quaint small town of about 35,000 people.  It was the only place I listed by name as not wanting to move to after repatriating from Brazil.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It wasn't significantly better either.  Yes, yes I met some fantastic people and made great friends and have very fond memories of my time there.  I adopted my best friend Bailey, I bought a house, I did a lot of life in small town USA.

The shortest time lasted 6 months when I was in Florida (that constitutes the big section of missing life from this blog.)  I really enjoyed Florida.  I met great people, the weather was delightful.  I spent a lot of time outside, Bailey had friends and parks to run around in and overall it was great.  Then I moved again.

On average, I've moved once every year for the last six years.  These aren't small moves.  These are big, cross country and sometimes intercontinental moves.  During this mentor conversation I boldly said - "I don't want to move anymore."  I'm not sure how he took that news.  I'm not sure if he really cared.  I struggle at times to feel like the people I work with are at all concerned with Allison the person or if they are only interested in Allison the warm body that pushes the corporate agenda.

That's cynical.

He did ask me if I had given any thought to a life plan.  I thought that was sort of a funny question because the answer was of course - no.  My life plan??  My life plan was to graduate, get a job that I loved, travel a bit, fall in love, stay passionate, and forever be happy.  The details of when and how all that may come to pass were left out.  Here I am sitting on the other end of the line with my mentor and all I can think about is that I've kept my life plan a fairy tale.  How am I suppose to make that happen?

So... what is my life plan?  If I take my career out of center stage and put myself as lead actor, what would the story of this play be?

I don't know.

I still want to find the job I love.

I still want to remain passionate.

I still want to travel and forever be happy.

I still want to fall in love with someone forever.

I still want the fairy tale.

I Earn My Worth in Waves

Sometimes when I am at work I feel a bit... underutilized.  I feel, honestly, bored.  Not because there aren't a dozen things to do (there are always things to do - motivation and urgency not always a factor...)  It drives me nuts.  Nuts that I'm bored.  Nuts that I am not better at self motivating.  Nuts that I let myself feel it at all.  This has been true for more or less my entire career.  Starting as a reliability engineer, I would have moments of busy learning and problem solving.  I would have moments of painful slow nothing.

When I was working in Florida my manager said something that really stuck with me.  He said, our leadership moments come in waves (or something to that effect.)  It hit me that he was 100% correct.  I go from bored and disengaged to busy, bustling, and happy in the matter of days and sometimes more than once in a day.  That is probably true about all jobs.  There are great things and there are not so great things.

The reference of "leadership moments" particularly hit home as well.  When you manage people, you take on a dozen different roles beyond "manager."  I've been a friend, a therapist, a coach, a contrarian, and everything in between.  I've had many really difficult conversations.  I've had to tell people they are under performing, I've had to deny people time off regardless of the reason for why they need it, I've had to tell people they no longer have a job with full knowledge that there is a family that now does not have an income.  Most conversations aren't that heavy, they are corrective conversations about not using sexist terms or acting out of turn or for not documenting, communicating, or performing as necessary.  But sometimes, you have to have the really difficult conversations.  The conversation that you know will impact the relationship you have with that person.  The conversation that will change the life of more than just the person to whom you're talking.

It is in those moments, the ones that you are trained to have in corporate classes about giving feedback, where I've earned my worth. They don't happen every day (thank goodness) but they happen.  They are emotionally draining and trying and difficult.  They are the moments that I earn my worth.

So yes, I have moments when I feel under utilized and when the pace of the role is a bit sluggish.  But I also have very high stress days and moments of very difficult decision making and conversations.  Together, these extremes make a balanced, healthy sized, challenging job.  But not consistent, not even a bit, rather very oscillatory which in itself is a challenge.  It's in those ups and downs, the peaks and valleys of the role that a manager earns their wages.  Inside those moments is where our growth happens, where we tackle new obstacles and are tried and tested.   In my short time, I've come to learn how painful, joyful, and effective riding this wave of people management really can be.

So no, I don't feel obligated to work a set number of hours every day (I promise I work significantly more than enough.)  I'm teaching myself to not feel guilty when I have moments of boredom or feelings of under utilization.  I'm learning those are the peak moments, when the job is taking a moment to coast.  Where I should take an advantage of the early-ish days and the simpler conversations.  There is a valley ahead for sure, and it's important to hit that challenge without abandon.

I know my valley is coming.  I know my conversations haven't even started.  I know this will be tough.

I know I'm earning my worth.

I know I'm earning my "stripes."

I know I'm earning my title as manager.

I know I'll be on high again.

I know....