Can I Put This In My Mouth??

Can I put this in my mouth?  Should I put this in my mouth?  How much will I regret putting this in my mouth?  *sigh* I just want this in my mouth....

How many times in a day do I think one if not all of these questions?  How much time have I spent evaluating whether a piece of food is something I should ingest?

I'm so tired of fighting this issue.  This awkward body image, healthy eating, outward appearance, issue.  I've grown to be very happy with my shape, size, stature, and self after many years of fighting it.  Fighting a very long, sometimes steep, uphill battle.

I'm not sure how or when I grew to the very unhealthy size that I was in my teens.  My mother says I gained weight so fast that she didn't know how to respond.  I distinctly recall many years of 20+ pound weight gains, that is terribly unflattering.  I remember being in middle school and high school and crying in the fitting rooms of stores because the largest size item didn't fit.  Mom would find me whimpering in a corner and it was - tragic.

Now I'm at a much healthier weight and a much happier place about my shape and size.  But I still ask myself the question "Can I put this in my mouth?"  It dawned on me recently that I'll never get to stop asking that question.  I will never, ever be free from the weight of being over weight.  I'll never have the metabolism of a humming bird.  I'll never be able to eat ice cream without thinking about how much exercise I'll need to do to work it off.  I'll never be able to order the fried chicken when grilled is also offered.  I'll never be able to step on a scale without fear of facing another onslaught of self hating thoughts.  

Maybe... that's okay.  Maybe there is a mental resilience that is built when you come to that realization.  That you will forever carry some type of weight (literal or figurative) that you cannot ever put down.  I don't know how to put it down.  I've not been told I look anything other than "great," "skinny," "sexy," and "hot" in a very long time.   Well at least not from other people.  I tell myself the opposite quite regularly I've found.  That can't be healthy.

Add it to the list of things I'm working on.  Until then - it's back to calorie counting and step tracking and protein loading and obsessing over if I can put something in my mouth.  I'm really healthy about all this life changing stuff.  Eating well (eating enough), exercising, etc.  I wonder what it would be like though, to just put it all in my mouth and not give a damn....  I guess I'll never know.

Life Plan

I had a conversation with a mentor of mine recently about the next steps in my career and where I think I may want to go next professionally.  The options are almost guaranteed to require another relocation.  I've moved 6 times in 6 years.  The longest I've ever lived in one place after college was the small town of Cape Girardeau, MO.  Two and  a half years I spent in this very quaint small town of about 35,000 people.  It was the only place I listed by name as not wanting to move to after repatriating from Brazil.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It wasn't significantly better either.  Yes, yes I met some fantastic people and made great friends and have very fond memories of my time there.  I adopted my best friend Bailey, I bought a house, I did a lot of life in small town USA.

The shortest time lasted 6 months when I was in Florida (that constitutes the big section of missing life from this blog.)  I really enjoyed Florida.  I met great people, the weather was delightful.  I spent a lot of time outside, Bailey had friends and parks to run around in and overall it was great.  Then I moved again.

On average, I've moved once every year for the last six years.  These aren't small moves.  These are big, cross country and sometimes intercontinental moves.  During this mentor conversation I boldly said - "I don't want to move anymore."  I'm not sure how he took that news.  I'm not sure if he really cared.  I struggle at times to feel like the people I work with are at all concerned with Allison the person or if they are only interested in Allison the warm body that pushes the corporate agenda.

That's cynical.

He did ask me if I had given any thought to a life plan.  I thought that was sort of a funny question because the answer was of course - no.  My life plan??  My life plan was to graduate, get a job that I loved, travel a bit, fall in love, stay passionate, and forever be happy.  The details of when and how all that may come to pass were left out.  Here I am sitting on the other end of the line with my mentor and all I can think about is that I've kept my life plan a fairy tale.  How am I suppose to make that happen?

So... what is my life plan?  If I take my career out of center stage and put myself as lead actor, what would the story of this play be?

I don't know.

I still want to find the job I love.

I still want to remain passionate.

I still want to travel and forever be happy.

I still want to fall in love with someone forever.

I still want the fairy tale.

I Earn My Worth in Waves

Sometimes when I am at work I feel a bit... underutilized.  I feel, honestly, bored.  Not because there aren't a dozen things to do (there are always things to do - motivation and urgency not always a factor...)  It drives me nuts.  Nuts that I'm bored.  Nuts that I am not better at self motivating.  Nuts that I let myself feel it at all.  This has been true for more or less my entire career.  Starting as a reliability engineer, I would have moments of busy learning and problem solving.  I would have moments of painful slow nothing.

When I was working in Florida my manager said something that really stuck with me.  He said, our leadership moments come in waves (or something to that effect.)  It hit me that he was 100% correct.  I go from bored and disengaged to busy, bustling, and happy in the matter of days and sometimes more than once in a day.  That is probably true about all jobs.  There are great things and there are not so great things.

The reference of "leadership moments" particularly hit home as well.  When you manage people, you take on a dozen different roles beyond "manager."  I've been a friend, a therapist, a coach, a contrarian, and everything in between.  I've had many really difficult conversations.  I've had to tell people they are under performing, I've had to deny people time off regardless of the reason for why they need it, I've had to tell people they no longer have a job with full knowledge that there is a family that now does not have an income.  Most conversations aren't that heavy, they are corrective conversations about not using sexist terms or acting out of turn or for not documenting, communicating, or performing as necessary.  But sometimes, you have to have the really difficult conversations.  The conversation that you know will impact the relationship you have with that person.  The conversation that will change the life of more than just the person to whom you're talking.

It is in those moments, the ones that you are trained to have in corporate classes about giving feedback, where I've earned my worth. They don't happen every day (thank goodness) but they happen.  They are emotionally draining and trying and difficult.  They are the moments that I earn my worth.

So yes, I have moments when I feel under utilized and when the pace of the role is a bit sluggish.  But I also have very high stress days and moments of very difficult decision making and conversations.  Together, these extremes make a balanced, healthy sized, challenging job.  But not consistent, not even a bit, rather very oscillatory which in itself is a challenge.  It's in those ups and downs, the peaks and valleys of the role that a manager earns their wages.  Inside those moments is where our growth happens, where we tackle new obstacles and are tried and tested.   In my short time, I've come to learn how painful, joyful, and effective riding this wave of people management really can be.

So no, I don't feel obligated to work a set number of hours every day (I promise I work significantly more than enough.)  I'm teaching myself to not feel guilty when I have moments of boredom or feelings of under utilization.  I'm learning those are the peak moments, when the job is taking a moment to coast.  Where I should take an advantage of the early-ish days and the simpler conversations.  There is a valley ahead for sure, and it's important to hit that challenge without abandon.

I know my valley is coming.  I know my conversations haven't even started.  I know this will be tough.

I know I'm earning my worth.

I know I'm earning my "stripes."

I know I'm earning my title as manager.

I know I'll be on high again.

I know....

Thanksgiving - 2014

For the first time in, no joke, 10 years, I will be celebrating Thanksgiving with my biological family.  I specify the biological part, because I've spent pretty much every Thanksgiving with family - just not always blood related.  For that, I am supremely thankful to have found people who would take me in and treat me like family to celebrate a wonderful day and have on many, many occasions.

I love Thanksgiving.  A lot.  Most people probably don't know this about me.  Mostly because I don't openly profess my love for Thanksgiving as it usually gets construed as a love for turkey, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie and gluttony.  While I do enjoy all those things, what I love about Thanksgiving is it has no religious undertones and no ceremonial acts associated with it.  As an atheist, this makes me super, super happy.  The entire country (EVERYONE) gets to celebrate something as simple as saying thank you for the good things that have come your way in life.  Despite what people think, atheists are grateful and we acknowledge when good things happen in life due to hard work or coincidence (sometimes referred to as luck) and that showing appreciation for those things is healthy, good, and goes a long way to fostering happiness.  It is not religious.  It's not me thanking someone else or some weird energy for the things in life that make me happy, it's simply as expression of gratitude and humility that life has some great aspects and I have great people in my life.

For those reasons, I'm happy to be sharing this year with my original family.  It is great to be able to share in their world for a bit and hear about the wonderful events happening with them.  As far as the gluttony piece goes - I'm usually pretty good about keeping the food consumption in check.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

So that was 2014...

Wow... a full year without a blog post.  I started the year with the "not to have an opinion" post of which I'm still not really over the confusion.  I'm not sure why I stopped blogging, oh wait, yes I do...  I felt boring, I felt uninteresting, I felt like no one read them so what was the point.  I also felt this tremendous overexposure to some extent.  Anyone who stumbles upon this site has a pretty good insight into my thoughts and person.  I think I was a bit tired of being exposed, even though my site views suggested the only people reading this were my family, my very, very close friends, and me - in various stages of nostalgia.  As I reread the posts, I also find a negative vein which I don't like, but is probably a result of when I feel the need to write and share is mostly when I'm needing to work through something emotionally.

This is why I think I'm tempted to start blogging again.  It stems from a cathartic feeling I get when I put proverbial "pen to paper."  I recall my high school days of letter writing as a therapeutic way to work through some of my relationship challenges.  Those letter provided me a way to tell someone exactly how I felt without ever actually telling them.  As I let the emotions flow to the page, I had the cathartic release of sharing without the associated backlash of their response to my typically unjustified emotional state.  I think it was a really healthy way to work through a lot of growing up.   Thus, I feel I might be wanting to work through some things again.  Why not put them on a public stage for others to read and digest and say "hey, I feel that" or "get over yourself, it's not that bad" or "I don't get it" or "I get it" or any combination of any of those sentiments, or nothing.  Nothing is always an alternative as well.  Say nothing.

As I stretch my fingers and think about getting back into blogging - here is an update since January 2014.

• Launched Breyers Gelato in February - big freaking innovation launch for my job
• Offered a position in Clearwater, FL as the manufacturing manager
• Cruised with my brother and now sister-in-law to get them married! 
• Accepted the position in Clearwater, FL
• Sold my house in Cape Girardeau, MO
• Moved to Clearwater/St Petersburg
• Bailey flew in a plan!!!
• Took a three day yoga class and was able to visit with Sidd again (amazing!!)
• Mini-vacationed in Key West, FL
• Celebrated 4th of July on a boat in Clearwater Harbor with fireworks and lighting and rain and great friends and my daddyman!
• Announced the closure of the Clearwater factory
• Offered the position of plant manager in Sunnyvale, CA
• Accepted the position in Sunnyvale, CA
• Celebrated my mom's 60th birthday
• Broke my lease in Clearwater and move to Sunnyvale, CA
• Bailey flew in a plan - again!
• Realized I have no local friends
• Re-realized I have AMAZING friends everywhere who will Skype, FaceTime, and text anytime
• Attempted to become a functional plant manager (still working on this)
• Registered my car and myself in California - hello CA drivers license
• Tried (trying) to date again - ongoing adventure....

That's a lot for a year.  Three states, two full relocations, three jobs, two plane rides for Bailey Girl, jumping back into the dating scene... who said life was dull?

Let's see where the rest of this year goes... it's only December, who knows??

I was Told to Not Have an Opinion....

I had an end of year review with my direct manager a week ago Friday where I received some unexpected feedback.  Everyone likes to hear "you're great! We love what you're doing. The results speak for themselves, you're really delivering." no one likes to hear "This was a tough year.  You have some opportunities to address.  You need to do better."  I didn't hear all of those verbatim and I'm paraphrasing a few round about comments as well.  What I did hear verbatim was "Every person on the calibration team would be happy to have you on their team."  And "a lot of people in the room think you have opportunity on how you achieve your results."  What that second comment is code for is: People don't really like you because they think you're: arrogant, aggressive, pushy, overly direct, non-compromising, etc.  My direct manager struggled to put the exact sentiments of the greater upper management group into actionable words for me.  He wasn't entirely sure why the team felt the way they did.  So I asked if I could reach out to my "dotted line" manager who I also work closely with for some additional feedback so I can better understand the issue.  He agreed that perhaps another person's perspective would be helpful in my understanding of the behavior gap that was called out during the end of year evaluation process.

I had that second conversation last Friday.  It lasted almost exactly 1 hour.  I spoke approximately 3 times and for a total of maybe 7 minutes.  It was painful.  It was awkward.  It was not entirely helpful, although they always say "feedback is a gift" so I was trying my hardest to be appreciative for the mirror that was being held up for me to see where I was.  Nearing the end of the conversation I specifically asked "Was there any consideration for the fact that I am the only female on this team, and perhaps there is some unconscious bias to view the ways that I speak as bossy vs confident?"  That sentiment was shot down faster than I thought possible.  In this person's eyes, there was no possibility that my actions were at all being tainted by my female status.  In a room full of all white, middle aged men, my femininity played zero part in how I was being evaluated.  (Side note, he has clearly never read Blink by Malcom Gladwell - because subconsciously it 100% affects the way anyone is viewed.)  I sat very quietly on my end of the phone line trying to keep from crying and screaming at the same time.  Crying because I was more confused than ever and I was quietly just criticized for being a strong female leader who doesn't want to be silenced about a very real issue in the workplace.  I wanted to scream because I was not effectively communicating my questions and confusion but mostly because after another hour long conversation about my performance, I was still not anywhere closer to understanding the real issue.  As I've been trained to do a lot of self reflection, I took this momentary pause in conversation to think "is there any validity to what is being said?  Might you be a bit "rough" to deal with at times?  Might you be disagreeable when you could be more agreeable?"  Yes.  Absolutely.  I can think of moments in my work year when I was short with people, when I expressed myself in ways that lacked tact, when I did not demonstrate perfect team alignment.  Feedback is a gift.  However (yes, there is always a however) I do not feel that any of those moments mean I am a poor leader or how I do my job is ineffective.  If anything, I think those moments show a strong, passionate, opinionated, results oriented business owner standing up for what is going to be best for the area she manages.  Sure, with a few growing pains and moments that I spoke roughly and apologized for after.  I'm not so naive to think every one of my actions are perfect or that I still don't make mistakes multiple times a day.  I very much do.

In that pause nearing the end of the conversation with all those self reflective thoughts scurrying through my head I broke the silence and asked "So what do you suggest I do different to address these opportunities?"  I almost fell out of my chair with the response I received. "Maybe you can try not having an opinion.  Go to meeting and teleconferences and only listen.  Reply with positive comments only but don't always have an opinion."

Yes, this person just told one of the few females in his business network that she should not have an opinion.  To sit in silence and simply observe.

At that point I did cry.