It's Been a While...

So here are a few photos from my whirlwind trip to NYC where I was lucky enough to see Lacy, Caitlin, and a handful of great SCMPs!  It was a crazy few days, but worth all 18 hours sitting in coach, and another 4 hours in a car to get to and from the airport.  Super bummed to have missed some friends, but there is always next time!  Christmas cannot come soon enough.  I hadn't realized how much of who I am is lost in Brazil.  It was great to be reacquainted with myself, even if for just a few days.

 

Caitlin, Lacy, and I dining out at the Standard Grill - amazing time with my NYC ladies

 

The stunning Lacy Morris!  Looking HAWT as always!

A product of Lacy's skills.  Hair, make-up and outfit all her.  I just smile. 

Miss this girl so much!

So it is a bit cryptic to say that I lose so much of myself in Brazil and I probably need to explain that a bit.  I struggle with sharing these types of things because I know I am not at all unique in feeling this way.  And because I am not unique in feeling this way, I should be able to get through it (everyone else can, so can I).   My plant manager as well as my direct manager have both done long terms abroad (plant manager was over 3 years in the UK and Germany and my line manager did 3 years in the UK).  As such, everything I feel, they understand yet somehow that doesn't make it easier.  If anything, it makes it worse because they know what I am feeling and they seem to either not care and choose to not do anything about it, or they don't realize the severity of the situation.

I feel as though I have lost my personality down here.  I was talking to one of my colleagues today (in Portuguese) and I was feeling a bit like my semi-bubbly self and he is always super patient with me and speaks really slowly when we talk so I enjoy his company.  We were getting a coffee and another colleague was there also and I was stumbling with some of the language and my friend was helping me through some parts.  I laughed and turned to the other guy and said something to the effect of  "you should have heard me when I first got here, this is SOO much better!"  And my friend says "yes you are so much better, it is like you are a different person."

And he is SO right.  For four months I've been living in an isolated shell.  For four months I've not been able to tell a joke, laugh with a group of people, enjoy lunchtime conversation, feel at ease when I am walking around in fear that someone might talk to me.  (I was waiting for the bus to work and a man asked me if I catch the bus there everyday.  I responded, yes because I do.  He then started asking me something about if I knew if a bus came by that went to some place that I didn't know and I apologized and said that I don't really speak Portuguese and I am not that familiar with the buses.  He got all upset because "this guy over here is crazy, and now you don't speak Portuguese" and storms off...)

We have a new trainee (SCMP - but Brazilian version) at work who started about a month ago.  He is 100 times further along than I am in everything.  He and my supply leader sit together and laugh at lunch, he has all the operators and other people calling him and asking him questions and he is leading huge group activities (like plant wide activities).  All I've done is give a four slide presentation in Portuguese and not vomit on myself.  I've been here 4 months.  He's been here 4 weeks.  I have no friends.  He has built relationships with every single management person and operator on site.  I can't get any time with my manager.  He chats her up daily.  It is unfair to compare and I know that.  But no matter what I do (succeed or fail) it is all overshadowed by my Portuguese skills.  I can't be as amazing as this other person because I am so far outside of my element it is scary.  I hate relying on that fact as an excuse for not performing.  It kills me that my projects aren't progressing in the ways that they should because of something so... so... silly.  It drives me NUTS that I can't just get people together and talk through problems and drive change.  

It is hard to not want to pack it up and go home. It is hard to wait for that magical 6 month mark where things seem to get better in every rotation.

What I wouldn't do to be funny and happy again...

First time I cried in Brazil - week 2

Second time I cried in Brazil - month 4

Still believe me when I tell you I am happy in Brazil?