I had an end of year review with my direct manager a week ago Friday where I received some unexpected feedback. Everyone likes to hear "you're great! We love what you're doing. The results speak for themselves, you're really delivering." no one likes to hear "This was a tough year. You have some opportunities to address. You need to do better." I didn't hear all of those verbatim and I'm paraphrasing a few round about comments as well. What I did hear verbatim was "Every person on the calibration team would be happy to have you on their team." And "a lot of people in the room think you have opportunity on how you achieve your results." What that second comment is code for is: People don't really like you because they think you're: arrogant, aggressive, pushy, overly direct, non-compromising, etc. My direct manager struggled to put the exact sentiments of the greater upper management group into actionable words for me. He wasn't entirely sure why the team felt the way they did. So I asked if I could reach out to my "dotted line" manager who I also work closely with for some additional feedback so I can better understand the issue. He agreed that perhaps another person's perspective would be helpful in my understanding of the behavior gap that was called out during the end of year evaluation process.
I had that second conversation last Friday. It lasted almost exactly 1 hour. I spoke approximately 3 times and for a total of maybe 7 minutes. It was painful. It was awkward. It was not entirely helpful, although they always say "feedback is a gift" so I was trying my hardest to be appreciative for the mirror that was being held up for me to see where I was. Nearing the end of the conversation I specifically asked "Was there any consideration for the fact that I am the only female on this team, and perhaps there is some unconscious bias to view the ways that I speak as bossy vs confident?" That sentiment was shot down faster than I thought possible. In this person's eyes, there was no possibility that my actions were at all being tainted by my female status. In a room full of all white, middle aged men, my femininity played zero part in how I was being evaluated. (Side note, he has clearly never read Blink by Malcom Gladwell - because subconsciously it 100% affects the way anyone is viewed.) I sat very quietly on my end of the phone line trying to keep from crying and screaming at the same time. Crying because I was more confused than ever and I was quietly just criticized for being a strong female leader who doesn't want to be silenced about a very real issue in the workplace. I wanted to scream because I was not effectively communicating my questions and confusion but mostly because after another hour long conversation about my performance, I was still not anywhere closer to understanding the real issue. As I've been trained to do a lot of self reflection, I took this momentary pause in conversation to think "is there any validity to what is being said? Might you be a bit "rough" to deal with at times? Might you be disagreeable when you could be more agreeable?" Yes. Absolutely. I can think of moments in my work year when I was short with people, when I expressed myself in ways that lacked tact, when I did not demonstrate perfect team alignment. Feedback is a gift. However (yes, there is always a however) I do not feel that any of those moments mean I am a poor leader or how I do my job is ineffective. If anything, I think those moments show a strong, passionate, opinionated, results oriented business owner standing up for what is going to be best for the area she manages. Sure, with a few growing pains and moments that I spoke roughly and apologized for after. I'm not so naive to think every one of my actions are perfect or that I still don't make mistakes multiple times a day. I very much do.
In that pause nearing the end of the conversation with all those self reflective thoughts scurrying through my head I broke the silence and asked "So what do you suggest I do different to address these opportunities?" I almost fell out of my chair with the response I received. "Maybe you can try not having an opinion. Go to meeting and teleconferences and only listen. Reply with positive comments only but don't always have an opinion."
Yes, this person just told one of the few females in his business network that she should not have an opinion. To sit in silence and simply observe.
At that point I did cry.
